So you woke up this morning, refreshed and ready for a new dawn, only to find that you texted your crush “Come find me, big boy” at 2 am…with no response. Filled with dread, shame, and self-loathing, you delete the text message, their number, and your entire social media presence. But it is possible to navigate these tricky waters and regain the upper hand.
5.) Act embarrassed! We’ve all been there before, so apologize in a cheeky way. But whatever you do, don’t take accountability for your drunkenness, that’s just embarrassing. Say something along the lines of “hahahhaha omg i’m soooo sorry, tequila got the better of me 🙈” and hope they don’t know that your intense sexual desire for them simmered within your inebriated subconscious.
4.) Say it’s Libra season! Or that Mercury is in gatorade! The statistical likelihood that they’re going to understand this is painfully low, so you’re pretty much safe in making up any pseudoscientific astrological bullshit. And, as we all know, blaming your behavior on powerful forces way up in the cosmos that you cannot control is a get out of jail free card.
3.) Say that an evil warlock cursed your genitals so that you can only have sex once a year and they just happened to be the most recent you texted! The key here is making the recipient of the text not feel special or that you’re interested in rubbing their nudie bits. Say something like, “Hey, sorry about hitting you up last night, kinda a funny story lol. A while back an evil warlock cursed my (insert genitals here) and now I can only have sex within a one hour window, once a year. I’m really, really horny, and sent ‘Come find me, big boy’ out en masse just to increase my likelihood of getting laid in that time frame. Sorry again, really had to take advantage of a bad situation🤗😂”
2.) Pretend that a demon manifested in your neighbor’s dog made you send the texts! Otherwise known as “pulling a Berkowitz.” Look. Please don’t think I’m condoning using a .44 caliber Bulldog revolver and killing six people while taunting the press with your insane ramblings. Heavens, no. But I must admit that the whole “my neighbor Sam’s black lab Harvey is possessed by an ancient demon who commanded me to kill for the blood of pretty young girls” thing is pretty airtight. So just claim that someone’s dog (or cat or gerbil, really any animal works fine) made you do it! Remember, you can always make a demon the bad guy.
1.) Pretend it never happened! It’s all about the plausible deniability. Maybe you blacked out, deleted the messages, and now don’t know it happened. Maybe your friend took your phone and then deleted the messages without telling you. Maybe. It’s kind of like Schrodinger’s cat – the messages both do and don’t exist if you don’t open the conversation. Bask in that limbo.
Hope these tips help! Worst comes to worst, you can always delete the text messages, their number, and your entire social media presence.