BERKELEY, Calif. — As soon as they arrive on campus, Berkeley freshmen adorn their faces with a pair of Berkeley goggles. Berkeley goggles are a visual enhancement feature unique to Cal, designed to elevate the perceived attractiveness of one’s peers.

“I went from ‘nobody would touch me in high school’ to ‘eh, I guess I’ll make out with him at this party’ in about 6 days,” said freshman Henry Gallagher. 

Indeed, wearing Berkeley goggles has made make out rates between college freshmen soar. Despite this success, some demographics report continual disappointment. 

“Everybody’s ugly here,” said Jake Falkner, a D1 athlete on the rowing team.

“Nobody will touch me,” said Dean Harris, an EECS sophomore. 

This is why the Berkeley administration is upgrading Berkeley goggles to a newer model.

From now on, Berkeley goggles will be a blindfold. 

“Suddenly, guys here are a lot cuter!” said junior Wendy Darren after making the switch. 

The blindfold, which completely obscures both eyes, makes it so that no one is aware of how ugly everybody else is. 

“We’re really excited about this new development,” said a couple in a joint statement.

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