Skip to content

The Free Peach

Peachy keen satire from the home of the Free Speech Movement

Posted on December 11, 2019 by: The Free Peach

White Girl from LA Fulfills Civic Duty of Criticizing Pop-Listeners Because Her Spotify Wrapped Has Tyler, the Creator in It

  • Home
  • Berkeley
  • Local News
  • Quizzes
  • The Pit
  • Join Us!
  • Donate

Tag: Kelsey Ferrell

Posted on November 20, 2019 by: The Free Peach

5 Reasons Why Count Olaf Was a Marxist

Don’t let the capitalist propaganda fool you! Count Olaf was no villain. He was simply a Marxist trying to redistribute capital from a nepotistic family to less fortunate often overlooked communities.

Continue Reading
Posted on November 14, 2019 by: The Free Peach

Beauty Routine Includes Wearing a Lanyard Like a Lost Freshman to Stay Youthful

I’ve tried countless anti-aging serums, under-eye creams, and even botox. But nothing has ever made me appear so youthful as wearing a lanyard like a lost Berkeley freshman!

Continue Reading
Posted on November 11, 2019 by: The Free Peach

Miracles Happen: Assignment Completed Early

We at The Free Peach would like to mention that these events happened last week, not this week.

Continue Reading
Posted on October 30, 2019 by: The Free Peach

Cal Fraternity Brother Unknowingly The Typhoid Mary of HPV

“If I had an STD, I would know it,” said Hawthorne. “It’s not like STDs are some invisible cancer you can accidentally give to other people.”

Continue Reading
Posted on October 17, 2019 by: The Free Peach

Was That The Hayward Fault, Or Is Your Roommate Boning Someone In The Top Bunk Again?

Could this be “the Big one”? But then you remembered that your roommate in the top bunk is a total floozy.

Continue Reading
Posted on October 9, 2019 by: The Free Peach

Berkeley Goggles Upgraded to Blindfold

As soon as they arrive on campus, Berkeley freshmen adorn their faces with a pair of Berkeley goggles. Berkeley goggles are a visual enhancement feature unique to Cal, designed to elevate the perceived attractiveness of one’s peers.

Continue Reading
Posted on September 30, 2019October 1, 2019 by: The Free Peach

“I’m Tired of Being Seen For My Tits and Ass!” Local Woman Demands Compliment on Her Left Labia Next Time

Every time I’m with a man, he tells me that he loves playing with my boobs or that my butt is perfect. I’m so tired of not being valued for more. Why can’t they compliment me for my left labia?

Continue Reading
Posted on September 21, 2019 by: The Free Peach

We’re Pretty Sure the Football Team Is Doing Well, but None of Our Writers Are Qualified to Write About It

I  know that UC Berkeley has done poorly in football in the past, so this new trend of “winning” is confusing new territory for everybody on staff. 

Continue Reading
Posted on September 18, 2019 by: The Free Peach

First Straws, Now Juuls – What’s Left to Suck On?

Straws revolutionized the way that people experienced drinking, and soon we couldn’t get enough of the sensation. We suck on straws, cigarettes, dicks, lollipops, and whatever else we can.

Continue Reading
Posted on September 17, 2019 by: The Free Peach

ASUC Senator Milton Zerman Insists on ID Scanners at MLK to Keep Out Caterpillars

In the midst of a recent outbreak of California oak moth caterpillars on the campus of the University of California, Berkeley, ASUC Senator Milton Zerman has proposed action to keep the caterpillars separated from the student body.

Continue Reading

Posts navigation

Previous

Our Facebook

Our Facebook

Top Posts & Pages

  • I Went All the Way Out to Office Hours but There Wasn’t Even Sexual Tension Between Me and My GSI
    I Went All the Way Out to Office Hours but There Wasn’t Even Sexual Tension Between Me and My GSI
  • White Girl from LA Fulfills Civic Duty of Criticizing Pop-Listeners Because Her Spotify Wrapped Has Tyler, the Creator in It
    White Girl from LA Fulfills Civic Duty of Criticizing Pop-Listeners Because Her Spotify Wrapped Has Tyler, the Creator in It
  • My 5th grader hates me because I’m a Classic Yellow Wood-Cased Ticonderoga No.2 Pencil and not a Paper Mate Clearpoint Mechanical Pencil :(
    My 5th grader hates me because I’m a Classic Yellow Wood-Cased Ticonderoga No.2 Pencil and not a Paper Mate Clearpoint Mechanical Pencil :(
  • Subject Of Future Manifesto Just Thinks Of Tyler As A Friend
    Subject Of Future Manifesto Just Thinks Of Tyler As A Friend
  • ATTENTION: Manic Pixie Dream Girl for Hire!
    ATTENTION: Manic Pixie Dream Girl for Hire!
  • 5 Ways to Recover from a Drunk Text
    5 Ways to Recover from a Drunk Text
  • Transfer Student from Alabama Claims F in CS70 “Just a Quality Loss”
    Transfer Student from Alabama Claims F in CS70 “Just a Quality Loss”
  • 5 Reasons Why Count Olaf Was a Marxist
    5 Reasons Why Count Olaf Was a Marxist
  • BREAKING: Spike In Incest Porn Popularity After The Release of Frozen 2 Trailer
    BREAKING: Spike In Incest Porn Popularity After The Release of Frozen 2 Trailer
  • Berkeley’s Five Most Eligible Bachelors
    Berkeley’s Five Most Eligible Bachelors
Copyright © 2019 The Free Peach All Rights Reserved | Magpaper by Theme Palace