Could this be “the Big one”? But then you remembered that your roommate in the top bunk is a total floozy.
Berkeley Goggles Upgraded to Blindfold
As soon as they arrive on campus, Berkeley freshmen adorn their faces with a pair of Berkeley goggles. Berkeley goggles are a visual enhancement feature unique to Cal, designed to elevate the perceived attractiveness of one’s peers.
“I’m Tired of Being Seen For My Tits and Ass!” Local Woman Demands Compliment on Her Left Labia Next Time
Every time I’m with a man, he tells me that he loves playing with my boobs or that my butt is perfect. I’m so tired of not being valued for more. Why can’t they compliment me for my left labia?
We’re Pretty Sure the Football Team Is Doing Well, but None of Our Writers Are Qualified to Write About It
I know that UC Berkeley has done poorly in football in the past, so this new trend of “winning” is confusing new territory for everybody on staff.
First Straws, Now Juuls – What’s Left to Suck On?
Straws revolutionized the way that people experienced drinking, and soon we couldn’t get enough of the sensation. We suck on straws, cigarettes, dicks, lollipops, and whatever else we can.
ASUC Senator Milton Zerman Insists on ID Scanners at MLK to Keep Out Caterpillars
In the midst of a recent outbreak of California oak moth caterpillars on the campus of the University of California, Berkeley, ASUC Senator Milton Zerman has proposed action to keep the caterpillars separated from the student body.
UC Berkeley Acquires Alta Bates as New Freshmen Dorm for Housing Alcohol Poisoned Teens
In anticipation of this Saturday’s game day, the University of California, Berkeley has purchased the Alta Bates Summit Medical Center as a new dorm for alcohol poisoned teens.
Freshman’s Long-distance Relationship Somehow Already Over
According to Braverman, the two have “grown apart” due to the distance and are in “two completely different stages of life.” Jenkins, after all, is a high school volleyball player, while Braverman is simply a player.
Free Speech Under Attack: Where Was Milton When UCBMFET Refused to Publish My Meme?
I’m waiting, Milton. What do you have to say for yourself?
Idiots Use Outright Fraud To Get Into Yale Instead Of The Plethora Of Legal Loopholes
But the FBI recently released a report detailing what anyone could learn from literally a single episode of Gossip Girl: some people don’t earn their way to the top.