BERKELEY, Calif. — As Professor Dee Merit concluded his final calculus lecture this past Wednesday, the room erupted into a polite smattering of applause as students awkwardly looked around to confirm if clapping was, in fact, happening. Witnesses report the applause peaked when sophomore Cooper Howler gave a lone whistle from the back row before quickly retreating into silence.
“I mean, I had to give him something,” Cooper remarked after class. “But I only get on my feet for the big dogs. Professor Merit has just been so strict all semester. Who gives oral exams for calculus?! Maybe if he had brought us cookies like my other professors I would’ve considered hovering my butt over the chair a bit to get some more height, but nothing more. I just needed him to see my support before I give him a two on Rate My Professor.”
When asked for a comment on his final lecture, Professor Merit responded while walking to the faculty lounge.
“A seated ovation is more efficient anyway. Plus, it’s been fun being a little annoying to the kids, they’re so ungrateful. And what does it matter, I’m tenured!” he yelled while holding back tears.
At press time, Merit was seen sipping his coffee, smugly inspecting a new “No Curve” sticker on his laptop.