BERKELEY, Calif. [Formerly Atlantis] — Public officials have cancelled Thursday’s tsunami warning after discovering the Warning’s problematic Twitter account and equally problematic tweets, sources with seven hours of screen time report.
“We’re witnessing a natural phenomenon never before seen in our entire seismological record,” fretted NOAA scientist John Pumpernickelhabberfist. “Never before has a tsunami warning had a Twitter account. Even more shocking was just how offensive its tweets were.. But honestly, the most newsworthy thing here is that this online cancellation campaign has actually been effective in getting anybody to shut up.”
Public opinion turned against the Tsunami Warning only an hour after it was issued—a notably record slow speed for Twitter sleuths to get to the bottom of a case.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” read one Tweet from the Tsunami Warning’s now privated account. “This is, of course, unless you are under 6’0”, you’re broke, you have no jawline, or you’re a series of waves caused by a large displacement of water in a lake or ocean. Women are total f*cking bitches!”
Twitter users found the Tsunami Warning’s feed to be shocking, with the account retweeting other posts about QAnon, anti-vaxx misinformation, and calls for Kevin Spacey’s return to the silver screen.
“Too many fat whales these days! Why do we keep promoting such unhealthy body types?” wrote the Tsunami Warning. “Can’t stand baleen, either, they give terrible head. Completely unrelated but now that I think about it, I also never really cared for gay people.”
When pressed for further comments, NOAA representatives declined, saying that they were currently in hiding after angry mobs were forced to return to work and go about their daily routines.