WASHINGTON, D.C – After searching for a young, dynamic, and relatable candidate to be the new face of the Democratic party in the 2028 presidential …
“I Actually Don’t Have Any In-Person Finals,” Says Humanities Major Unprompted
BERKELEY, Calif. – While his peers spent most of RRR week cramming for their numerous high-stakes in-person final exams, comparative literature major and guy no …
Math Majors See Suspicious Spike in Hinge Matches as Project Deadlines Approach
BERKELEY, Calif – As the fall semester reaches its end and final project deadlines arrive, an annual trend emerges: high-achieving Math majors are suddenly getting …
GSI with Degradation Kink Has Field Day with Negative Course Evaluations
BERKELEY, Calif.— On Friday afternoon, chaos erupted in Evans Hall when Math 16B GSI Keith Shepard was caught pleasuring himself with 50 printed out sheets …
Premature Assassination? UnitedHealthcare CEO Shot 4 Days Before Dead Week
NEW YORK – On Wednesday, UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was denied his claim to keep living by an unidentified gunman. While reactions have ranged from …
Womp Womp! Professor Only Receives Seated Ovation After Final Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif. — As Professor Dee Merit concluded his final calculus lecture this past Wednesday, the room erupted into a polite smattering of applause as …
Tsunami Warning Canceled After Old Tweets Resurface
BERKELEY, Calif. [Formerly Atlantis] — Public officials have cancelled Thursday’s tsunami warning after discovering the Warning’s problematic Twitter account and equally problematic tweets, sources with …
Expert Breakdown on Tsunami Given by Frat Guy Who Went to One Earthquakes Lecture
ATLANTIS [Formerly Berkeley, California] – Tensions were high at Rich Lyon’s emergency press conference to discuss the tsunami and the potential ramifications on the city …
What Your #1 Artist on Spotify Wrapped Says About You
LOS ANGELES – Following Spotify releasing users’ annual Spotify Wrappeds today, music experts from Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, and the deepest sweatiest corners of 4chan have …
Berkeley Man Says Land Acknowledgment Before Calling His Ex a Bitch
BERKELEY, Calif.– Last Friday at Kips, the bi-weekly support group for “Men with Psychotic Ex-Girlfriends” gathered around a massive fishbowl cocktail. Leading the group’s discussion …