BERKELEY, Calif.– Last Friday at Kips, the bi-weekly support group for “Men with Psychotic Ex-Girlfriends” gathered around a massive fishbowl cocktail. Leading the group’s discussion was Trevor Smith, the group’s self-appointed DEI Director, who began the meeting with an important announcement.
“Before we begin, can we just recognize that Berkeley sits on the territory of Huichin?” Smith shouted over the pounding EDM. “This is the original landscape of the Chochenyo-speaking Ohlone people, the successors of the sovereign Verona Band of Alameda County.”
Smith, whose silver rings somehow still glimmered in the dim lighting, adjusted his oversized “Born to Die” hoodie, shifted his scuffed Adidas Sambas off the sticky floor, and opened his mouth again– this time to emphasize a deeper grievance.
“But can we also recognize that Veronica is a total bitch?” Smith said. “Dating her made me realize I needed to be an ally not just to marginalized groups, but to my own emotional well-being. Last time I told her I didn’t have the emotional or physical capacity to not drop Molly and cheat on her at Rolling Loud– because it’s my coping mechanism after my great-aunt passed away two years ago. Her language turned toxic when she said no, and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.”
Other members were seen nodding in agreement as they took a collective sip of their fishbowl. One member, identified as the group’s “Chief Vulnerability Officer,” began visibly typing in his Notes app under a page titled “Podcast Ideas.”
“Honestly, it also triggered my trauma from my other ex Tiff, who totally gaslit me into thinking she was going to stay hot,” Smith continued. “To quote this really thought-provoking book I read by Betty Friedan, ‘Who knows what women can be when they are finally free to become themselves.’ So like, I just wanted Tiff to be free to hit the gym seven times a week. All bodies are beautiful, but my partner needs to respect my personal boundary, which is that they stay smokin’ hot.”
Remarkably, Trevor isn’t alone in his grievances. A poll conducted outside of Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity indicates that every single man at UC Berkeley has had a [cunt/bitch/psycho] of an ex at some point in their lives. This points to a concerning trend at UC Berkeley, raising questions about the role women play in perpetuating emotional crises for men– perhaps it’s time for women of Cal to start taking some accountability.