BERKELEY, Calif. – Researchers at the University of California were shocked to find the dark truth about their beloved mascot.
“We had always assumed Oski was merely a golden bear, whatever that means” reported Evolutionary Biology Professor Wayne Bruce. “If you analyze photos of his anatomy, though, he clearly differs from other ursine species. He walks upright, has hands, and can suck the soul out of a Rally Com member from 10 yards away. While many bears are known to have one or two of these features, having all three is a red flag. As best as we can tell, Oksi is not, in fact, a real bear. Optimistically, I could suggest he’s a product of convergent evolution. Realistically, though, he’s probably just some guy in a suit.”
Despite the revelations, Oski’s true identity has yet to be revealed.
“I didn’t choose the suit; the suit chose me. Now I vow not to be the hero this city needs, but instead the one that it deserves,” reported The Man in the Oski Suit while taking a shit on the hood of the Transformers sports car that’s always on campus. “I cannot sit idly by while so much justice exists in the world. Just as Loki served Chaos unto the Norse, so shall Oski unto the Children of the Golden Bear.” Oski took a fat Juul rip through the eyehole of his suit as an Oski symbol lit up the night sky. “Where the people need me, I must go. For now, that means crushing some Natty Ice at Bowles. Oski away!”
Oski’s vigilante alter-ego has been met with significant public intrigue.
“Oh my Little Marc just loves him,” reported Chancellor Carol Christ, referring to Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher. “Everyday it’s ‘Oski, Oski, Oski.’ His whole holiday list this year is Oski costumes, Oski coloring books, Lego Oski for his Super Nintendo. Why, just yesterday he told me Oski was his hero. Well, he really said, ‘Chancellor, I’m deeply concerned about student mental health during these unprecedented times. They’re suffering,’ but I know what he meant. I’ll never quite understand his silly obsession, but I just wanna keep my special guy happy!”
At press time, Oski was attempting to thwart the Stanford Tree’s plan to be such a fucking loser.