BERKELEY, Calif. — In the midst of the California rainy season, a Bay Area meteorologist confused viewers with coded statements made on a live broadcast.
“Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, two inches is quite sizable,” said impassioned weatherman Richard Pizzle. “In the wake of an atmospheric river it may not seem like much, but you should never compare and be judgemental. It’s important to appreciate all precipitation, no matter how small, for its fun and unique qualities. Some rain is hard, fast, and finishes quickly, while others are slow, drawn out, and get a tad boring if they go on for a while. Sometimes rain can even slant a little, which is completely normal by the way! I’ve talked to plenty of colleagues, and they all agree: more than two inches and the novelty wears off. At that point it’s just excessive, and leaves everyone wet and uncomfortable.”
Responses to Pizzle’s rant among the six people who still watch the weather channel were mixed, with one viewer offering her opinion of the broadcast.
“It was honestly a lot to take in,” responded Aubrey Wincer hesitantly. “At first I thought he was just passionate about the weather, but then I realized it was more like anguish than enthusiasm. It almost felt like he was pleading with me through the screen for some kind of validation, but I couldn’t understand why because he refused to talk candidly about what was really bothering him. Clearly, he had been keeping some rain-related emotions bottled up, and then just let them all go in the unhealthy and uncontrolled deluge of whatever the fuck that was.”
Other viewers, including Willy Knob, were highly supportive of Pizzles’s remarks.
“I’m just glad to finally see someone sticking up for the little guy – I mean, the little meteorological phenomena,” said Knob, stumbling. “I’ve been trying to convince people for so long that rain of types and volumes are special, so I’m happy to have a man in a position of authority enforce my worldview. I’m sick and tired of being told that the rainy season isn’t long or hard enough. Heavy rainfall gets way more credit than it deserves. Light, consistent rain is all you need to penetrate and saturate the topsoil, which is incredibly important to our ecosystem, but it seems like the only thing people want to talk about these days are huge storms and ‘impressive’ flooding.”
At press time, Pizzle was seen preparing for the next morning’s forecast, including a segment on lonely and misunderstood cloud formations.