BERKELEY, Calif. — Shocked gasps emerged from passerby as absolute schlong-slinging daredevil Chad Thundercock coolly strolled through the crosswalk of Telegraph and Bancroft well before the walk sign lit up last Monday, marking the first time that feat had been achieved in the past 56 seconds. Further reports indicate that Thundercock shrugged at the 52 AC bus barreling towards him and mouthed the words “free tuition” before safely reaching the other side. 

“We all know this feat takes ‘big balls’,” remarked UCSF testicular researcher Dr. Amadeus Wellington on Thundercock’s achievement. “But the age-old question remains — is there any correlation between crosswalk crossing time and penis size? Thanks to my team of UCSF’s top penisologists, that question is now answered.”

Dr. Wellington’s breakthrough study consisted of 275 participants from various locations and age groups in Berkeley and San Francisco.

“After compiling the sample data and fitting a regression with a convincingly strong R² value of 0.51, we determined that there is indeed a large positive correlation between the two variables,” said the freshman URAP Data Science major tasked with doing all of the team’s work for free.

We reached out to Thundercock, now notorious for his preemptive crosswalking ability on Telegraph/Bancroft, to dissect the art of crosswalking and to reveal how the study’s results have affected his life.

“It’s all about confidence,” said Thundercock. “You want to cross those streets like you own them. That means traipsing along as slow as possible and putting your Airpods in while people are trying to turn left — everyone knows left turn signals don’t matter, Telegraph should be pedestrianized anyway. As for my life, things are amazing. Jaywalking is the new being 6 feet tall, and life’s on easy mode for me. People are practically throwing themselves at me while I cross the street before the walk sign comes on.”

So, if you know a premature perambulator, make sure to congratulate them on their unparalleled bravery and statistically large endowment! 

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