Everything Your Relatives Fear About Berkeley
Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood.
It’s a dangerous life. You’re always fighting demons, you’re seconds away from your insides exploding, and you’ve got to think twice before you eat at a mortal restaurant like Taco Bell. Believe me. But this is a warning—you can read the rest of this like it’s satire, and honestly, good for you. I wish I could do that. But if some of you feel a churning within while you’re reading, it’s a calling. You don’t have IBS, you’re a half-blood too.
There is no denying the facts: there is a man in your room. He’s standing over there, right where you usually leave your pile of laundry on your desk chair. Maybe you’re rubbing your eyes wondering if he’s real. He is. Very. He’s about 6’1, slender, and yeah, he’s wearing a tophat. He’s fucking stylish.
We’ve been hard at work formulating the perfect drug. Benadryl™ has been packaged in syrups, creams, chewable tablets, and a wide variety of over-the-counter deliriants. Now, in response to popular demand, we’ve begun adding extra diphenhydramine to each dosage of Benadryl™, the perfect amount to recognize that There Is A Man In Your Room. He Is Next To The Door. Don’t Look At Him.
You’ll be spending what’s left of your savings on a 23 hour, four-layover trip to Paris. Je suis livin’ la vida loca. “But how can you afford that?!” someone asks. You know you can’t. Don’t answer. Don’t check your bank account. Hell, run if you have to. But never admit the truth.
Great. You’ve done it again. Another year of acting like I don’t exist. What do you call it again? A “leap” year? I’m literally 5’6”, …
GULF SHORES, Ala. — As states like Alabama and Mississippi ban the discussion of ‘divisive topics’ such as ‘not being homophobic’, America’s fragmented and nonuniform …
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“We all know this feat takes ‘big balls’,” remarked UCSF testicular researcher Dr. Amadeus Wellington on Thundercock’s achievement. “But the age-old question remains — is there any correlation between crosswalk crossing time and penis size? Thanks to my team of UCSF’s top penisologists, that question is now answered.”
While a well-deserved victory and recognition of Biggs’ gargantuan achievements, the title isn’t an effortless one to bear — without continually letting all of his peers know his unit count and test scores, Biggs might risk losing his award.
“You just pick an order you might want weeks ahead and confirm your presale on Ticketmaster. There’s a 15% chance your order gets placed, and Ticketmaster only takes a portion worth double the meal price. It’s a steal, really.”
When Army recruit Jackaby Stonewall first walked through the doors of 415 Mission St. excited to be undervalued by the U.S. military and to complete Basic Combat Training — colloquially “Basic,” or “boot camp,” he had no idea he’d be building his ego, not his body.