BERKELEY, Calif. — Students returning to campus after break have been greeted by a constant jackhammering of Bancroft Way (possibly sponsored by the anti-public transit lobby) alongside general campus-wide construction work. Construction efforts have tragically leveled the treasured Dwinelle parking lot and Kresge Engineering Library—the only proof that some engineers might have been able to read. Contrary to a prevailing theory that the Regents are mining for gold to allow graduating students to keep their @berkeley.edu accounts, the true reason for the construction is far more practical: Phineas and Ferb are building a rollercoaster.
“We found it remarkably easy to bring industrial forklifts, huge steel beams, and rocket-powered engines onto campus,” said Ferb when asked to comment on the new project. “It appears that the University truly does not give a shit who or what enters its grounds—as long as it isn’t a car.”
While inconvenienced by the myriad construction sites, many students are optimistic about the opportunities the new development will provide.
“It sucks that I can’t go into Kresge to use the dusty leather nap pod chairs between classes,” said Baljeet Tjinder, EECS ‘26, who joined the Controls team of the new project. “But working on Phineas and Ferb’s rollercoaster has given me the perfect resume fodder, especially since I haven’t really done anything of substance in any of my tech clubs. I’m talking to a recruiter at Lockheed Martin right now who’s really interested in our rocket propulsion technology, and I can’t wait to contribute to the field of aeronautics!”
Some, however, are outraged by the illegal construction and endangerment of student lives. Candace Flynn, a Criminal Justice student at Berkeley Law, attempted to alert the UCPD on the potentially catastrophic project when a failed thruster blew up in her face, scorching off her left eyebrow.
“I TOLD them Phineas and Ferb were building a rollercoaster,” said Flynn, enraged and lifting her one eyebrow. “It didn’t seem like they could be less bothered. They told me they’d take care of the issue ASAP, but all I got was a WarnMe a day later reporting ‘Petty theft on Bancroft and Telegraph.’”
The rollercoaster’s construction, however, remains undeterred in the face of such protest and is expected to be completed by April 2024, just in time for prospective students and parents to ride it on Cal Day.