BERKELEY, Calif. – On January 11th, 2024, BART announced a new plan to thwart pesky turnstile hoppers through the employment of a blood-curdling, spine-chilling troll that threatens to gobble up those who fail to properly enter the rail. The green ghoul began guarding the gates last week, with a shocking preliminary success of zero evaded payments and several casualties.
When questioned on the efficacy of the troll, BART President Thomas D. Enjun disclosed the company’s decision to uproot the sinister scourge from its place under the bridge.
“At first, we considered keeping the troll in his typical damp dwellings under the Golden Gate Bridge Fastrak entrance, but instead opted to focus our tolling efforts on regular day commuters who don’t have the luxury of owning a car and residence in Marin.”
The BART Board of Directors originally turned to the community for ideas on how to strike fear into turnstile hoppers so they pay their fair share of fare. The winning model arose from none other than the Berkeley Haas School of Business – envisioned by prospective entrepreneurial mind, junior Manny Dinero.
“I was doing my assigned readings for UGBA 101A, and I remember it being a difficult week dissecting Norwegian fairy tales,” Dinero divulged. “After reading some of the stories, I was struck with the idea to use what this school has taught me about fiscally entrapping the working class into a novel business proposal for the transportation system I refuse to use. For coming up with a solution that eliminated technological costs, employed a beast that only needs to be paid in human meat, and is basically fascist, I was awarded a sum that could most definitely pay for thousands of rides. And that’s why my friends call me the G.O.A.T.”
However, when the official BART Instagram posted an announcement of the implementation of the frightening troll, many of the comments were upset about the disconcerting change. While most were distressed with the increasing fare, misallocation of funding, and ethical drawback, one Billie Gruff was determined on getting through somehow.
“It shouldn’t cost an arm and a leg to do my daily commute,” Gruff remarked. “I’ve seen that troll eat so many arms and legs.”
At press time, it was reported that Gruff and the rider populus were able to evade the troll by convincing him that each person behind him was more delectable than the last. This sent executives back to the drawing board for the fantastical solution to the preeminent––and arguably only––problem plaguing BART: turnstile hoppers.