Mercury is in Retrograde, Which is Why You’ve Been A Piece of Shit For 21 Years

People across the nation are losing their shit.

“During retrograde, a lot of our everyday communication is disrupted,”  explained Tigerlily Adams, caucasian yoga instructor and probable anti-vaxxer. “Like, when this undercover cop asked me if I sold shrooms to college kids, I assumed he was in college because that guy looked like a fucking virgin, so I said yes.” Tigerlily is currently under arrest for distribution of drugs to minors, but Tigerlily said “that’s just the way retrograde goes.”

Bold! Business Student Discovers NFTS, Quits School to Continue Doing Nothing

“Oh, you want to know more about NFT’s?” former Haas student Sasha Arnold asked. “Yeah, they’re this up-and-coming, super low-key, niche thing that’s happening in the blockchain community. Yeah, you probably haven’t heard about it, like, it’s really up-and-coming, still in its early stages, if you know you know, but I really just see it as a long-term investment. Oh, wait, sorry, so rude of me not to ask, do you want a high-level explanation of what blockchain is?”