Student Accused of Cheating on Midterm Using Anal Beads

“First off, I have never cheated. Okay fine, once when I was younger I left my canvas page to look up the answers on an online math quiz, but I was like 19. I would never cheat on a midterm,” Kneeman said as he searched for answers for homework on Chegg. “Magnum is upset I beat him and is just hating on the underdog. The grade speaks for itself. And to all the people asking for me to go over my prep for the exam, that’s none of your business. I’m not even going to address the anal beads rumor. What, people really think I learned the entirety of morse code and had someone buzz the beads for each answer? That would require many hours of practicing in the Morrison bathroom from 4:00-5:30 p.m. PST – don’t be ridiculous.”

Ugly Students Protest the Tearing Down of Evans Hall in Solidarity

The protest lasted several hours, and included speeches made by prominent members of the club. The president, amidst roaring cheers from the crowd, made a speech outlining CUCK’s distaste with the university’s decision to tear down Evans Hall. In a dramatic conclusion, he began a lively chant, “Get up! Get down! There’s an ugly movement in this town!” The chant soon caught on, but became muddled as it made its way through the crowd. Dozens of protesters sympathetic to the cause could be heard yelling “Get down! Get down! There’s an ugly member of this crowd!”