BERKELEY, Calif. – UC Berkeley senior Gordon Wilson was forced to take drastic measures to improve his quality of life this weekend when, for the fifth time this semester, his roommate Louis Carmichael had sex while he thought Wilson was sleeping. 

“I figured I had two options,” Wilson explained. “Confront Louis and tell him to stop having sex while he thinks I’m asleep, or spend an exorbitant amount of money on high-quality noise-cancelling headphones so I can’t hear him when he does. The choice was obvious.”

Wilson proceeded to brandish a pair of Bose QuietComfort-35 wireless headphones, which retail for $399.95 on the Bose website. “I got mine factory-refurbished for $300. Pretty sick, huh? Now I can sleep in peace, and I have a new pair of headphones to boot!”

“What? Fat chance he wasn’t asleep. It was like 1:30am on a Wednesday. He’s always asleep by then,” said Carmichael, Wilson’s roommate. 

“The other night I was literally using my laptop when Louis yelled ‘He’s asleep, it’s sex time!’ and turned on his bedside lamp. You see what I’m dealing with here? There’s no way I could talk to him about it,” Winston said, motioning towards his new headphones. “Fortunately, thanks to these bad boys I can’t hear a goddamned thing.” 

Winston isn’t the only one who has a problem with Carmichael’s nocturnal sexual activities. 

“Every night at 1:30am, my dog cowers in a corner and starts whimpering,” said Teresa Black, a neighbor of Carmichael’s, “Minutes later, like clockwork, I can hear my asshole neighbor screaming ‘Thank god everyone’s asleep! I needed to nut so badly, baby,’ and ‘We’re so quiet and considerate, oh god it makes me so hard!’ I had to buy a pair of noise-cancelling headphones specially made for my dog because it was stressing her out so much.”

Some, however, don’t mind Carmichael’s disrespect for his roommates and neighbors.

“This is the most profitable quarter our Berkeley location has ever had!” said Connor Powell, manager of a local Bose store. “We’ve had 342% increase in QC-model headphone sales in the past four months alone. Whatever, or whoever, is driving this business certainly has my blessing.”

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