BERKELEY, Calif.— The Free Peach has acquired exclusive information that Chancellor Carol Christ has given the go-ahead to a massive new construction project to be built next to Evans Hall.
In an interview with our staff writer she divulged just what this exciting development will be: “It’s an ant farm. We’re finally going to do something with all of these ants.” She continued to explain while periodically smashing the literal hundreds of ants crawling over her desk with a paperweight, “It’s going to be a huge, aboveground glass structure. Full of sand. With little tunnels.” Chancellor Christ paused to wipe the sweat beading across her forehead as she continued to bring down the paperweight with a vengeance our staff writer had never seen and will never see again. “The ants, they’ve become a real problem,” she explained, the look in her eyes one of righteous fervor, “We had to do something. We tried little traps first, but that didn’t work. Then, we tried pouring boiling water into all of the ant hills we could find. Still, they’ve persisted.” She turned to our staff writer with sudden anger, “It’s all these crumbs.”
At that point in the interview our staff writer was forced to leave due to the sheer number of ants that had crawled into her mouth and ears.
The ant farm is projected to be completed in May of 2020 and will be dedicated to Cal alum Chris Pine.