Picture this in your noggin. You’re walking with your friends in a horizontal line so it’s really annoying for people to bypass you and then, all of a sudden, one of your shoes gets untied. Now you gotta stop for a bit and crouch down like a little dumbass piece of shit who has no control over their lives and you gotta do the little bunny ears and then catch up to your friends who have already forgotten about your entire existence and will think less of you as a person now. And then your so-called friends all of a sudden get really aggressive and start pushing you into outdoor walls and such. And then after that, they steal your shoes off your feet and even your fricking new socks and then throw them all into a dumpster. And then they throw you in there too and scream, “garbage boy can’t even tie his shoes without them getting untied” while laughing maniacally. Trust me, we’ve ALL been there. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay if you have to take a little break, get on one knee, and tie that bad boy back up.
For far too long, us shoe-getting-untied-ers have been discriminated against, but I’m telling you that there is a better life out there and that it’s ours for the taking. We live in an unequal system, one where people whose shoelaces happen to not get untied or even loosened in public are treated far better than those who suffer that unfortunate fate. They ridicule the untied shoes demographic as if we are nothing but the dirt that they step on with their coincidentally tied shoes.
As a representative of the Shoe Getting Untied By Accident political party, I present a simple list of demands from the bourgeoise Tied Shoe demographic.
- Wait for your comrades when their shoes get untied. Even if it takes a little longer to get to your destination, you must recognize their inherent humanity.
- Don’t look at them while they are tying their shoes. This is a vulnerable moment for said person and they deserve a sense of normalcy in these trying times.
- Keep talking to each other as they tie their shoes. Do not create an awkward, tense moment out of something as innocuous as having one’s shoes get untied because honestly it’s a very normal thing and it’s a goddamn shame this fascist society treats it otherwise.
- When the shoe-tying has finished, do not comment on the shoe-tying incident unless the oppressed party brings up the incident themselves. For far too long, oppressors have controlled the narrative and now it is time to reclaim that.
- If you double-knot your shoes, you’re a cowardly waste of life. You deserve as much ridicule as us, if not more, you smug fucker.
We find these lists of demands to be reasonable and easy to implement immediately. If you are unconvinced or apathetic, I must remind you, society’s greatest atrocities happened because people were unconvinced and apathetic. Now is not the time for centrism. Now is the time for revolution.