It’s a Saturday afternoon and you’re popping 3’s on the basketball court like a fucking demon when all of a sudden Bryce from DKE yells, “Jesus Christ, [insert your name here], you’re the fucking GOAT!”

Uh oh. Your knees wobble; sweat trickles down from your temples. You slowly turn to meet Bryce’s gaze. It seems intense…wistful, even. Has Bryce always looked at you longingly like that? Maybe you’re just imagining it. Surely, this moment of apparent sexual tension is simply a misperception on your part. Right? I mean, it’s not like DKE members actually have sex with goats. That’s just a rumor started by jealous Sig Chi brothers with too much time on their hands.

Except…you vaguely remember that one day Bryce came to the basketball court smelling like a barn. At the time, you’d assumed it was just because he was a CS major. You joked that he should start wearing deodorant, and his spine had immediately jolted upright, like he’d just been caught in a lie. Like you’d just exposed his secret. Maybe he was simply embarrassed from having his poor showering habits announced to the public, but what if there was something more going on there? Where did Bryce say he was before the game? CS61C lecture? Hold on—that was a Saturday, wasn’t it? CS61C doesn’t have lectures on Saturdays.

The more you think about it, the more sketchy Bryce’s stories become. Remember on Valentine’s Day how he said he couldn’t hang out with you and the boys because he had a hot date in the evening? All day long he carried around a bouquet of carrots. When you asked him about it, he said that his girlfriend was down baaaaaaad for root vegetables. He’d said it exactly like that—baaaaaaad—stretching out the vowel sound and chuckling nervously to himself afterwards. What was that all about? What kind of girl requests a bouquet of carrots from her boyfriend?

You’re starting to wonder if you should stop being friends with Bryce. He definitely spends too much time hanging out with the other DKE bros, who—let’s be honest—are totally creepy regardless of the whole goat thing. Yeah, you definitely need to cut ties with this guy. He smells bad, he kinda sucks at basketball, and in any case—he obviously has more things on his mind than human companionship.

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