EARTH, ?? — Earth inhabitants awoke this Tuesday morning to views of asteroids and an eerie darkness outside their windows. Though the physical planet remained intact, it was clear that Earth no longer existed in the Milky Way Galaxy. Where did it go? The hands of my beautiful girlfriend.
“What a phenomenon!” exclaimed famous astronomer Aly Anne later this afternoon. “Seeing comets and asteroids this close has long been a dream of mine — this rocks! We must be in another dimension. Sure, humans won’t survive more than a week with this frigid temperature and lack of sunlight, but I guess some people are just worth uprooting the planet for.”
Though her enthusiasm was appreciated, not all earthlings shared this optimistic view. Local Valentine’s Day participant Avery “Ave” Ridgeman commented on non-deadly gift alternatives, including what he did for his girlfriend.
“Honestly, it’s not that deep,” huffed Ridgeman at the thought of Valentine’s Day in general. “I bought my girl her annual flowers; Her birthday is February 15th, so I can knock out both occasions with ease. I like to believe I’m a contrarian minimalist myself. Less is more, you know? In every sense.”
Though Ridgeman makes us all believe the fate of humanity is already doomed, sources say this grand gesture was thought of as sweet across the globe. Middle schoolers throughout the world are now coming out and admitting to their 13-year-old crushes that they love them. Ella Singer, a seventh grader from New Zealand, spoke about her own confession experience.
“I feel liberated!” squealed Singer. “I’ve had a crush on this guy since literally April and I finally told him at the school dance!! My feelings started very small, just a quiet afternoon crush in Spanish class, but like then I had this insane, almost violent overnight rush, and he makes me crazy and UGH! His neon shirts and shorts make me lose my mind — such a special friend. But now maybe even more!” When further questioned about her evening, Singer revealed the two danced together as well. “It was beautiful! Like we were dancing in a world alone, just the two of us.”
Though the oncoming extinction of mankind may prevent Singer from ever hugging her middle school boo in the hallway, her affection still radiates through the world on this loving day. Despite the moon now feeling lonely and mysterious black holes appearing throughout the Milky Way, my girlfriend has the world and she is happy, so that is all that matters.