BERKELEY, Calif. – A groundbreaking research paper from the University of California, Berkeley’s Department of Hair has revealed that beneath 99% of bangs lies a forehead. This discovery marks the second major hair-related discovery of 2023, after it was revealed in January that a new hole in the ozone layer is being caused by stinky white person dreads, which are chemically similar to cow farts.

The visionary mind behind this study, professor Anita Harrcüt, shared what inspired this breakthrough. “I was walking through Sproul one day when a huge gust of wind hit,” Harrcüt began. “A group of banged individuals immediately scattered.” She continued, “I began to wonder about this phenomenon. Why does wind spook them so much? I created a research team,  procured some lab mice with chic bangs, and blew on them. What I saw shocked and devastated me.” 

Members of the bang community, who make up a significant percentage of U.C. Berkeley’s student population, are already quite flighty due to the anti-anxiety medication they take, making them a difficult group to speak with. However, junior Alyssa Cezares agreed to share a statement. While Cezares does not have bangs herself, she does have a fringe, the more honest, second-cousin of the bang. “I think we were all shocked by this discovery. This is our watergate – foreheads are our Nixxon.”

While most people reacted similarly to Cezares, a small minority showed signs of solidarity and sympathy. One of professor Harrcüt’s student researchers, a sophomore named Jared Kelly, commented: 

“I get it. If I had a forehead, I would probably want to cover it too. Despite what this lab has uncovered, I want to make it clear: people with bangs are still people, and don’t deserve to have their bangs blown asunder by mighty gusts of wind or cut in their sleep.”

It is still unclear what, if anything, exists beneath microbangs.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.