Selfish students everywhere are hogging any shred of the already barely-functioning campus wifi that they can get their grubby mitts on, and it’s depriving me of one of America’s most beloved past-times: Clash of Clans.

I mean seriously, is using the last chunks of Eduroam’s bandwidth to compose a presentation on how the IMF is bleeding Zimbabwe dry with predatory loans really going to help you out in your international relations career? Google Slides can’t help you prepare for sieges! Meanwhile, I’m the one actually visiting other villages, and doing a lot more important business, too. I can assure you, plotting where to send in my troops requires a lot more brain power than useless crap like solving long-standing geopolitical crises. My barbarians could clear an entire platoon of Blue Helmets any day but you don’t see me getting recruited by old Joey Biden to advise military strategy. 

How am I supposed to collect more gold if all of the wi-fi is being funneled into a midterm study guide? Seriously, there is no amount of gain bigger than my loss of not being able to play Clash of Clans that would make this situation any more Kaldor-Hicks efficient. If you really wanted to use your economics knowledge for the power of good, then tell me whether it’s in my best interest to drop $4.99 on a wicked in-game purchase. Spoiler alert: it is and I already paid for it. 

And no, I just refuse to believe that your chemistry research paper has any more significance than me ridding this Earth of goblin scum. You’re telling me that you made a major breakthrough in vaccine development and mRNA sequencing? What, do you want a medal or something? Well I want trophies and gems. You should be working on finding out how to make me more elixir, not trying to “save lives” or whatever laughable excuse you have to make. What is the point of trying to “improve the quality of life” if those people aren’t even in my guild?

Look, I’m sorry that I distracted you in lecture by jolting out of my seat whenever one of my brave archers was devastatingly killed in battle, but show some compassion, alright? My troops train day-in and day-out (which is really just 45 minutes for us) but it takes a lot of effort from them. I don’t see you dying for your supreme, metaphysical overlords! Oh, I’m sorry, did you just say you’re an ROTC kid? Huh… maybe you are throwing away your life for some all-powerful autocrat that you can’t even see. 

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