While not a professional yapper myself, I do dabble in endeavors like these, where I write on Instagram for attention, so I feel qualified enough …
Professional Yapper in 600-Person Lecture Really Needs to Learn What Office Hours Are
BERKELEY, Calif. – On a bright, early morning in Wheeler 150, Erm Actshually, a bright-eyed first-year student with too much 8-dollar Qargo coffee in his …
Student’s Stomach Releases Hottest New House Album During Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif. — Restless students fantasizing about their Taco Tuesday plans in Wheeler 150 attempted to pay attention to their ECON 1 professor throughout the …
Opinion: Everyone Get Off Eduroam, I’m Trying to Play Clash of Clans
Selfish students everywhere are hogging any shred of the already barely-functioning campus wifi that they can get their grubby mitts on, and it’s depriving me …
Report: Lecture Great Time to Get Literally Anything Else Done
BERKELEY, Calif. — After opening the discussion for questions during Tuesday’s lecture, Professor Gopal Jhaveri was left utterly speechless at the lack of speech from …
Dickriding Student Nods at Professor During Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif.—Sophomore Richard Rider provided his Econ 1 Professor with much needed emotional support this Thursday in a display of body language his peers found “intimidating as fuck.”
“You would do it too, if you shared the kind of intellectual connection Professor Muny and I do,” remarked Rider on his bobblehead-esque behavior. “I mean did you see that supply versus demand graph? Honestly, it moved me to tears, and the last time I cried was back when Steve Jobs died. It’s just such an honor to learn from someone so brilliant, and I had to show her that I was picking up what she was putting down, you know? Real recognize real.”
Cough Held Throughout 2½ Hour Lecture Now Just Mildly-Irritating Heart Palpitation
“I used to cough whenever I needed to, but I felt the white-hot wrath of hundreds around me,” Alison reported via Zoom, since no reporter wanted to get within a 500 foot radius of her. “I get a COVID test regularly. I can’t say for sure that I haven’t been exposed since testing negative yesterday though… Well, I know I don’t have it. I don’t, right? I— I just needed to cough super badly and I was able to suppress it for two and a half hours, so that means I can’t have it! I don’t! I just needed to cough, and now I have a serious heart issue. People should be happy that I saved them from possibly being exposed to whatever I have, though I know it’s not COVID.”