BERKELEY, Calif. — After opening the discussion for questions during Tuesday’s lecture, Professor Gopal Jhaveri was left utterly speechless at the lack of speech from his students, who were all too busy doing anything else.
“‘Ophthalmology in Ancient Carthage’ is a very difficult concept for most people to grasp, so I was fully prepared for an onslaught of feeble-minded questions from my laughably PhD-less pupils,” started Jhaveri, “but all I heard back in response was the Slack notification lady going ‘hummus.’ Why is that even an option?”
Against the white noise of Jhaveri giving a boring monologue in the background, students were enthusiastically doing any work unrelated to class.
“I always feel that Jhaveri’s lectures are very engaging,” asserts sophomore Heather Crowley. “Normally, it takes me a whole day just to crochet the handle of a bag, but in Jhaveri’s class, I managed to crochet an entire tote! I’d use it to carry my textbooks to class, but we both know I’m not opening any books–it would take away from my fiber arts time!”
Some students believe that lecture time is meant to be free of distraction, paying full attention to their professor, but others argue that they are free to use their time as they please–especially when factoring attendance requirements and other class workloads.
“I know I’m paying for college, and I know there are other options of classes for me to take, but I would rather be doing literally anything else right now,” mused freshman Sandy Cangreburger. “Besides, if it wasn’t for Jhaveri’s class, when would I ever finish my ranking of the best bicycles to have sex with Ewan McGregor on?”
Frequent mid-lecture multitaskers have even reported that even students who are not enrolled in the class have started rolling up to Jhaveri’s “productivity hub,” as they like to call it.
“I couldn’t find a seat in Doe nor Moffitt, and God knows I wouldn’t be caught dead in that soul-crushing shit-hole Main Stacks,” testified Junior Karl Tbjörgue. “When I heard that Jhaveri’s lecture was a great place to get work done, me and the entire Cal Hot Dog Grilling Club pulled up for our weekly meeting.”
Although Jhaveri’s class has proven popular, some are dissatisfied with the entire situation.
“I would never take Jhaveri’s class again given how rude he is,” attests Senior Mia Pumpernickel. “I mean, I’m trying to focus on writing for my personal blog, and he’s blabbering his mouth! Can he quit, I don’t know, lecturing me?”
When pressed for further comment, Jhaveri’s statement was unfortunately censored by a mouth full of grilled hot dog.