DOHA, Qatar – Fans across the world are oscillating in sweaty dive-bars, cooling down sports spectators who are whooping and hollering at yet another World Cup. But this year, the competition is fiercer than ever, as the Belgian national team’s coach Stae K. Fritz explained:

“The World Cup is critical to each nation, but not just as a source of national pride – someone totally forgot to run the dishwasher, and now all the other cups are dirty! And, you know, we’re pretty thirsty so… we need the World Cup. Imagine the morning coffee I could make in it – or even Swiss Miss! Doesn’t that sound pleasant?”

Qatari authorities, recognizing the mad rush for the Cup, have issued new guidelines around the prospective winners’ behaviors during the award ceremony. Senior Doha municipal policeman, Fahad Al-Basturd, outlined these regulations.

“We recognize the global drinking-vessel crisis that has spurred such an overwhelming rush for the Cup. However, respect the host nation! If I’m not being clear, do not drink any alcohol out of the World Cup. That’s right, no post-game ‘Borg Khalifa.’ Maybe you could make a big soup in it or something? I mean it’s only 53º C, why not stand stooped over a bubbling cauldron? Additionally, the Qatari government would like to extend our sincerest support to all teams hiring foreign chefs to prepare their celebratory World Cup concoctions. As a reminder, don’t worry about paying them – respect the customs of Qatar, and snub them big-time!” 

Tyler Adams, US Team Captain, shared with great candor what winning the Cup would mean to the US team. 

“It would change everything,” sighed Adams. “You know how long we’ve been drinking water with our hands for? I mean, it’s absurd. If somebody [Adams points towards FIFA President Gianni Infantino] just ran the dishwasher last night, this could have all been avoided.” 

At press time, Infantino was under investigation by FIFA’s internal watchdog for “Dereliction of Duty, Because it was Totally Your Dishday and You Didn’t Get Someone to Cover You, Asshole.”

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