BERKELEY, Calif. – On a bright, early morning in Wheeler 150, Erm Actshually, a bright-eyed first-year student with too much 8-dollar Qargo coffee in his system, decided to show everyone that he had a brain and a mouth by giving the professor a long-winded, intensely specific TED Talk.
“Prematerial narrative states that expression must come from communication, given that narrativity is interchangeable with culture. In a sense, the main theme of the works of Gibson is the genre, and hence the failure, of patriarchialist sexual identity,” began Actshually, wearing glasses with no lenses and clearly invigorated by the sound of his own voice. “The premise of capitalist narrative suggests that art has intrinsic meaning. However, Bataille promotes submaterialist discourse to analyse society. Therefore, Sartre uses the term ‘the conceptual paradigm of discourse’ to denote the common ground between philosophy, anthropology, and, uh, Zoroastrianism. So basically, how can I code that in Python using iteration?”
While Actshually delivered an insane wall of text equal to the length of at least one fake Reddit AITA story, the students around him noticed nothing, as they were all busy with the Wordle, Connections, and the Quasiqwordle Crossword Super Smash.
“It’s just interesting to me!” remarked the professor of CS61D: Some Random Shit We Just Made Up To Make Your Life Harder, while trying his best to hide the five joints he was smoking at once. “Every time I hold office hours, I sit by myself sad and alone, thinking about how I would much rather be betting my life savings on poker in Chumash Resort & Casino. Maybe it will be this way for the rest of my life: students only having questions about my interesting and engaging material when they can fucking blast through ten minutes of my one-hour class to correct my PhD-level knowledge of computing. At least I’m still getting paid six figures to watch my students struggle with homework I wrote at 3 AM while buzzed on Red Bull, Dulcolax, and spite.”
Recent reports indicate that in three other classes, including a class he’s auditing “for the plot,” Actshually blurts out all the wrong answers to the questions the professor asked, all while a suspicious puddle forms in his jeans.