BERKELEY, Calif. – Northern California residents are encouraged to stay vigilant as a red flag warning has been issued for most of the Bay Area this week due to extremely dangerous conditions in the midst of cuffing season.
“We are concerned that these treacherous patterns, such as a drop in humidity and a rise of wind gusts, will cause dangerous climate conditions. We’ve seen how outrageously dry conditions are in Berkeley and a rise in dangerous incidents resulting from red-flag patterns,” explained Zachary Ronson, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service, obviously referring to the dating scene. “While activity has been high during these colder months, we also see that some activity can veer into destructive territory.”
Berkeley students who had received a warning email from Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher corroborated Ronson’s accounts of precarious conditions, citing fear of (dumpster) fires and whiplash from numerous emotionally unavailable men.
“I had just gotten ghosted by another carabiner-wearing man who ‘didn’t see race’ and was a men’s rights advocate. He had sent me a list of baby names for our future children a day before ghosting me. I’m glad they’re raising awareness,” recounted Ayam Sotired, a jaded junior who had downloaded Coffee Meets Bagel out of desperation. “He also told me that all his exes were crazy while wearing thrifted rings from his favorite ex. He said that our relationship was beautiful as it was, meaning unlabelled and non exclusive.”
When asked about when conditions would cease, Ronson gave an ambivalent answer: “Though this warning is officially issued until Saturday, we may see perpetual rises in red-flag risks until next Hot Girl Summer.”