SAN FRANCISCO – U.S. President Joe Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping made strides towards a stronger alliance by reaching a diplomatic agreement to be …
‘Is it Berkeley Time?’ Asks Man About Grandma’s Funeral
LOS ANGELES – Recent Berkeley graduate Tim Atkins was spotted arriving late to his grandmother’s funeral at his hometown church after asking his family members …
Guy Who Knows a Spot Takes You to Berkeley Social Club
BERKELEY, Calif. – After proclaiming his knowledge of secret and underrated date spots on campus, Cal junior Chad Chad decided to impress his new romantic …
REPORT: Person Who Sat Next to You on 51B Personally Liked Your Vibe
BERKELEY, Calif. – Latest research conducted by the voices in your head has concluded that your fellow passenger – who sat right next to you …
‘Social Impact Consulting’ and Three Other Ways to Only Sell Out Halfway
For many UC Berkeley students, being entrenched in capitalist society means a certain dilemma wreaks daily havoc on the psyche: financial security or having a …
OPINION: Academic Weapon? I Aced my Syllabus Quiz
In an institution as competitive as UC Berkeley, few students are strangers to imposter syndrome: the crippling fear that you aren’t good enough, smart enough, …
Middle School Visiting Berkeley on April 20th Finds Students Surprisingly Happy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley Middle students and faculty were pleasantly surprised when they toured UC Berkeley this Thursday and found the student body especially friendly, …
Shocker: This Nobel Prize Laureate Is Pretty Shit at Teaching
“Teaching students is my part-time job – I’d rather work with my GSIs on groundbreaking research than explain basic supply and demand over and over again to these 19-year-old imbeciles,” asserted McCarthy. “Education, especially in economics, should be gatekept from those who don’t have the capacity to understand everything on the first try. Call that perfect competition.”
Feminist Flyered on Sproul by Sorority Secretly ‘a Little Bit Flattered’
BERKELEY, Calif. – As UC Berkeley enters a new semester, fraternities and sororities have been scanning Sproul Plaza for visually-promising spring recruits. Sophomore and feminist …
Berkeley Student Unable to Enroll in Happiness Until Phase 2
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley senior Cameron Hall found himself in a predicament faced by many when he was unable to enroll in basic human happiness …