BERKELEY, Calif – Reports surfaced this past week of Satan, also known as Lucifer, being ousted from his regime as ruler of Hell by a 21-Year-Old TikTok witch who turned to spirituality to deal with the exhausting burden of being a sensitive young girl in this day and age.
“Hey guys, here’s a love spell that will get them OBSESSED,” recounted Victoria Zhong on TikTok Live while writing her crush’s name three times on a piece of paper and crushing lavender with “Paper Bag” by Fiona Apple playing in the back. “And here are five signs from the universe that you’re never the problem; that person just has dark energy. Close your eyes and imagine cleansing yourself of their bad vibes. Repeat with me: you are never wrong. You are not the problem.”
After Zhong’s TikTok love spells, chaos ensued in Hell as Satan was rapidly overpowered by the powers of her girl-blunt and her daily affirmations. Knights of Hell cowered with fear as Zhong’s aura rapidly descended upon Hell and threw existing governments into disarray.
“I̵̸̛̙̔̅̐̋͆b̶̢̺̙̣̘̖̞̤̳̬͕̙̑̆̆̆͌͊e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝” roared Satan with rage. “B̶̢̺̙̣̘̖̞̤̳̬͕̙̑̆̆̆͌͊e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝b̶̢̺̙̣̘̖̞̤̳̬͕̙̑̆̆̆͌͊e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝b̶̢̺̙̣̘̖̞̤̳̬͕̙̑̆̆̆͌͊e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝b̶̢̺̙̣̘̖̞̤̳̬͕̙̑̆̆̆͌͊e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝b̶̢̺̙̣̘̖̞̤̳̬͕̙̑̆̆̆͌͊e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝b̶̢̺̙̣̘̖̞̤̳̬͕̙̑̆̆̆͌͊e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝. e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝. B̶̢̺̙̣̘̖̞̤̳̬͕̙̑̆̆̆͌͊e̴̩̳̥̮̩̲͈̻͋̒̋̐̇̏̏̕ê̴̓̄̑̿̚͝.”
Residents of Hell, while startled, were refreshed by the new ruler. They cited boredom with Satan’s regime and appreciated their new Queen’s sympathetic and whimsical approach.
“She’s cool with gay people and listens to Björk,” explained AytheeIst, a longtime resident. “I’m honestly excited for this new era. I feel like I could hang with her. That Satan guy was turning into a bit of a buzzkill: a vibe killer if you will. She’s chill af.”
When asked for further comment, Zhang attributed her success to her witchy hibiscus-scented fall candle and her TikTok tarot reading.