BERKELEY, Calif. – In a brave display of borderline public nudity, Chi Psi brother Grant N’Pants wore a skimpy yet also somehow unrecognizable costume to several lectures, discussions, and midterms. Due to the lack of fabric, his little “Halloweenie” was on full display.
“You might just think I’m wearing nothing but actually, I’m dressed as Cristiano Ronaldo— but if he took off his shirt to celebrate. And also his shorts and socks and cleats,” explained N’Pants while staring suggestively at anyone who looked remotely feminine passing by. “Look, I’m gonna be honest, my entire life is dedicated to trying to get women. I saw a TikTok where an alt baddie said she wanted men to dress ‘slutty’ for Halloween, so I assumed every woman in the general public would have the exact same perspective. So far, the females on campus haven’t seemed to like it, but I’m gonna keep acting aggressively and make them uncomfortable like my frat brothers taught me.”
Professors, classmates, and passerby generally disliked N’Pants’s costume. Emerson Rogers, begrudging classmate of the Chi Psi brother, explained their extreme disgust from the Halloween outfit.
“I was trying to take my econ midterm but he sat in front of me, and smelled so unbelievably bad. I’m guessing he’s one of those guys who is so aggressively straight, they think it’s gay to wipe their ass, because he smelled like literal feces. He was self aware enough to realize he smelled, though, so he doused himself in Axe body spray like a 12-year-old boy. The combination of those smells were so bad I considered dropping out of college and fleeing society all together.”
Following Halloween, N’Pants returned to his usual habit of wearing the same garish polo shirt and gym shorts with slides, three days in a row.