BERKELEY, Calif. – In a brave display of borderline public nudity, Chi Psi brother Grant N’Pants wore a skimpy yet also somehow unrecognizable costume to …
Satan Bested by 21-Year-Old TikTok Witch
BERKELEY, Calif – Reports surfaced this past week of Satan, also known as Lucifer, being ousted from his regime as ruler of Hell by a …
“Why I Am Not Running for President,” Explains Bob Avakian to Empty Auditorium
BERKELEY, Calif. — All six members of the Revolutionary Communist Party (REVCOM) have flocked to Sproul Plaza in order to campaign for their non-campaigning candidate …
“NUH-UH”: Rhetoric Professor Responds to Proposal Shutting Down Department
BERKELEY, Calif.– In response to Chancellor Lyons’ decision to eliminate the Rhetoric department and absorb it into the English department, Professor Wourd Smith penned a …
Survey Finds Modern Man’s American Dream is Being Rich Enough to DJ on the Side
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif.–– Yesterday afternoon, new reports came in from Burning Man exit polls showing the new target for young, untalented, Elon-worshiping tech bros: being …
Big Al’s to Accept EBT for Fruit-flavored Vapes
BERKELEY, Calif.– Great news for underage nicotine enthusiasts! Local smoke shop owner and Italian-American mobster Alfredo “Big Al” Mancini announced that customers purchasing vapes at …
Cuffing Season Accompanied by Red Flag Warning
BERKELEY, Calif. – Northern California residents are encouraged to stay vigilant as a red flag warning has been issued for most of the Bay Area …
Barron Trump Now Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative
NEW YORK CITY – After enrolling in NYU Stern this fall with a concentration in “interpretive capitalist philosophy and Big Money,” Barron Trump revealed that …
OPINION: I Think You Think You’re Better Than Me
As the semester continues to roll into a never-ending hell, the only thing more toxic than the air vents from Main Stacks has been the …
Awesome! Protest Against War Crimes Perfect Career Opportunity for Journalism Student
BERKELEY, Calif. — Following a year of Israeli war crimes in Gaza, hundreds of students gathered on Sproul to protest the atrocities committed and UC …