I can feel you judging me already, but don’t tell me you wouldn’t at least think about it either if you were promised what I was promised. Just hear me out, okay?
I don’t care about being rich or famous or any of that typical bullshit Satan promises. Certainly not enough to sacrifice Amanda, my eight-year-old daughter. I’m happy. You know this. My wife Rebecca and I run an environmental non-profit and we have a pretty comfortable life. Amanda is a ball of joy and just started piano lessons! The only difficult part of my life is dealing with the emotional stress caused by the farcical nightmare that is the current US political landscape. But other than that, there’s nothing that an hour-long drive up the coast in my Subaru Outback can’t fix.
I mean, He didn’t offer me riches or fame anyway. What He did propose was the kind of offer He’s only making because “she radiates the sweetest, most delectable, most powerful virgin purity he’s seen in two millennia.” His words, not mine. Hold on, I have a recording of it somewhere:
“Bring me thy daughter’s innocent soul, and thee shalt has’t what thee desire. Pass her through the fire unto Me, unto Moloch, for the unholy devouring of her virgin purity. I crave thy sweet delicacy, thy immaculacy, the likes of which I has’t not seen in millennia.”
I know, probably a little unethical that I recorded Satan in my voice memos without asking his permission first, but we’re way past that now.
He told me He could effectively undo all of the pain Donald Trump’s presidency has caused. Erase all of the lies, the foreign policy blunders, the horrifyingly xenophobic policies. All of it. No withdrawal from the Paris Accords or the Iran Nuclear Deal. No more immigrant detention camps. No Brett Kavanaugh.
At that point, I was relatively unconvinced. We took back the House in 2018 and a Democrat will probably win 2020. I wasn’t prepared to take the risk that I’d be sacrificing my only daughter for something that could happen anyway.
But then He told me that He would not only revise history so that Donald Trump lost the 2016 election, He would also make Jill Stein the president! Now, that’s an offer worth considering. Hold on, lemme get back to that recording:
“Offer ye chaste offspring unto me, and Jill Stein shall rule the land three years hence as thy recompense. Ecology, Social Justice, Democracy, and Peace: These are the four pillars of the Green Party, and they will become reality. All cars will be solar-powered. Biodegradable tampons will be available at no cost on every street corner. Farm animals will receive monetary reparations for their nonconsensual domestication. Such are among the gifts I, Moloch, can give thee in exchange for thy daughter’s soul.”
I know we have our political differences, but tell me you wouldn’t consider that offer. I dare you. Rebecca and I are both registered to the Green Party and have been diehard Jill Stein supporters since her first presidential candidacy in 2012. We phone-banked for her, donated the maximum amount to her campaign, and even put a JS2016 sticker on my Outback.
And the only thing I have to do for a Jill Stein presidency is draw a pentagram in goat’s blood, light a candle at each point, utter an unholy incantation in Latin, and slit my eight-year-old daughter Amanda’s throat with a ceremonial knife in its center? It’s honestly pretty tempting.
Of course I’ve talked about this with Rebecca. Sacrificing your daughter isn’t a decision any parent can make alone. At first she was mortified, obviously. Hell, I was too. But just as I eventually came around to considering Satan’s proposal, she softened her staunchly anti-sacrifice position.
Once she was willing to talk to me again, we made a list of pros and cons:
- Pro: No more Trump
- Con: No more Amanda
- Pro: Jill Stein is president
- Solar powered cars
- Free biodegradable tampons
- Livestock reparations
- Con: Amanda is dead
- Pro: The environment gets a new lease on life
- Con: We have to end Amanda’s life
- Pro: Many immigrant families will be reunited
- Con: Our citizen family will be divided
- Pro: Amanda is currently practicing The Entertainer on piano and it’s really fucking annoying
Con: Ethically-murky at best
As you can see, it’s a bit of a wash. We’re considering just flipping a coin at this point. Satan only gave us a few days to decide, and we’re at an impasse.
We figured we had to ask you before making our final decision anyway. I mean, you are her Grandma. To sacrifice, or not to sacrifice? What do you think, Mom?
Surely you jest!