BERKELEY, Calif.— According to a post on the popular site Greekrank, 30-50 feral hogs will be rushing the 13 UC Berkeley PHC Sororities in no less than 3-5 minutes. When asked how they would defend themselves from this onslaught, PHC’s Executive Board has remained silent, begging the question: will they be able to defend themselves at all?
Kappa Delta Senior Courtney Small is personally terrified of what this could mean for her house’s recruitment process. “If, like, these animals are just allowed to run around willy nilly while we are trying to find our new sisters, then how will we stop them from ruining our chances of finding the whi- I mean, right fits?” Courtney asked.
However, many have questioned whether the threat of the hogs exists at all, as GreekRank has reportedly “routinely misrepresented” houses in the past. Phi Mu Sophomore Vivian Brooks believes the post to be fake because her house was called “mid-tier” on a separate post last week. “If people can get away with blatantly LYING like that, then how on earth is the post about the 30-50 feral hogs even true?” asked Vivian, “Like, Phi Mu is not mid-tier, and there are not 30-50 feral hogs within a distance that would allow them to reach Greek Row in 3-5 minutes.”
Nonetheless, the community is abuzz with the threat of these hogs looming over Rush Week. Many have commented that the sororities need to arm themselves, to which UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ responded, “Hell, if 30-50 feral hogs show up on MY campus in 3-5 minutes, I’ll send their asses back to where they came from with my 12-gauge.” When pressed further on what she meant, Christ dropped the microphone and returned to her office.
So, will these hogs ruin sorority recruitment? Stay tuned for any updates we receive on the matter.
UPDATE: Junior Katherine Smith of Alpha Kappa Alpha was recently seen asking a feral hog what its father does for a living prior to being gored. She has since been transported to Alta Bates.