BERKELEY, Calif. — In a shocking display of thoughtless neglect, UC Berkeley freshman Hans Dummkopf failed to consider his lack of funds before selfishly getting mown down by a U-Haul.

“It came out of nowhere, to be honest,” Dummkopf said in an apology video posted to his YouTube channel. “My mom’s told me repeatedly that I should have been more careful crossing that street. Sure, I was fully on the sidewalk when the U-Haul swerved at me, but I completely understand that the fault is my own and will strive to do better. I should have shouted at the driver to stop louder than I did, and should have dove out of the way earlier. My bad, y’all.”

As the accident did occur on university-owned property, Dummkopf foolishly attempted to leverage his own error into a payout from Cal.

“Mr. Dummkopf reached out to me to ask whether this accident could result in reduced tuition, as it occurred on university property,” Cal Chancellor Carol Christ commented. “Unfortunately, according to campus policy, if you get hit by a university-owned bus you are entitled to compensation. Getting run down by a U-Haul on campus only entitles the victim to one hour of private time with Oski, but I think that might just be better.”

The issue of medical bankruptcy does bring light to the larger question of our nation’s healthcare system. Many question the validity of a system that leaves Americans in debt after receiving medical care.

“Y’all need to shut your whining asses up and get on your grind. Get your money up, not your funny up, broke boy,” Dummkopf’s attending doctor Scott Jordan told him before making a shot from the half court line and dabbing in his face, thus breaking every bone in his body.

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