BERKELEY, Calif. — The University of California has decided that, alongside chemistry, biology, and, unsurprisingly, biochemistry, the Valley Life Sciences Building (VLSB) should have a new discipline carved into its side: astrology.

“As the university grows and expands, we need to explore more unconventional types of science. This school has had a western only mindset for too long,” reported Dean of Science William Nye. “I was debating adding either traditional ecological knowledge or astrology but went with astrology because I felt it would be better for the university’s brand. If we studied traditional ecological knowledge the university may find out that some of its past actions and experiments were completely unnecessary and harmful to the environment. And that would make us look bad to prospective students. Astrology was a much safer bet— sure, we know less about it, but that means we’re probably less wrong, right?” 

John Mueller, a student majoring in astrological studies with a focus on Libra moons, also commented on the new addition to VLSB. 

“Look, I’m very glad astrological studies is finally getting the recognition it deserves. It is a hard major. All the interdisciplinary majors are. I have to take classes in Babylonian history, astronomy, and creative writing. It’s a lot of work and a ton of reading. Do you know how hard it is to write a paper on the love lives of Aquarius’s when Mercury is in retrograde? The mood swings I get while writing are almost unbearable.” 

At press time John lost five points on a midterm because he incorrectly wrote that his professor was a Capricorn when they clearly gave off Cancer energy.


Photo by Melinda Young Stewart

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