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Posted on December 26, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Santa Claus, of “Christmas” Fame, Dead at 52

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Tag: Tyler Goldstein

Posted on December 2, 2020 by: The Free Peach

New Lay’s CRISPR Chips Surprisingly Good

BERKELEY, Calif. — Lay’s newest flavor, CRISPR chips, are spreading across the nation and quickly becoming America’s favorite potato chip.  “You know when you’re drinking …

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Posted on December 1, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Maybe We Should Actually Not Call It Dead Week This Year

While the Berkeley administration has been trying for years to change the name of Dead Week, they have never been successful in their pursuit. Reading, …

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Posted on November 13, 2020November 13, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Crime Reported: 31,000 Students Robbed of In Person Semester

UC Berkeley Police Department  Please note this message definitely contains information. I mean like, we’re using italics. You know shit’s serious when an email starts …

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Posted on November 4, 2020November 4, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Texas GOP Models Voter Registration Website Off Berkeley Academic Guide to Suppress Votes

AUSTIN, Texas — With early voting in Texas shattering records, the Secretary of State of Texas has decided to model the voter registration website off …

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Posted on October 20, 2020October 20, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Clark Kerr Freshman Reports Understanding Poverty for First Time After Running Out of Flex Dollars Mid-Semester

BERKELEY, Calif. — Julia White, a freshman living at Clark Kerr who recently ran out of flex dollars, reported that, for the first time in …

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Posted on October 6, 2020 by: The Free Peach

BCR President Eagerly Files Lawsuit After Eric Trump Prohibited to Speak at Campus

BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley College Republicans President Chase Thompson announced he is filing a lawsuit against UC Berkeley for preventing Eric Trump from speaking at …

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Posted on September 27, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Men’s Rights Activists Announce the Opening of El Burrito Across the Street From La Burrita

BERKELEY, Calif. — This morning the Berkeley Meninist Collective (BMC) announced the opening of their new Mexican restaurant, El Burrito, directly across the street from …

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Posted on September 15, 2020September 15, 2020 by: The Free Peach

UC Berkeley Announces Add/Drop Deadline Revenue Will Fund Zipline Down Bancroft

BERKELEY, Calif. — Confirming everybody’s long-held assumptions that most extraneous university fees are driven by greed, UC Berkeley announced this morning that the thousands of …

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Posted on September 3, 2020 by: The Free Peach

Trump Slams Bane in Tweet For Issuing Mask Mandate, Abolishing Gotham Police

GOTHAM — President Trump attacked Bane in a furious tweet earlier this morning over his recent decisions to issue a mandatory mask mandate in Gotham. …

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Posted on May 4, 2020May 7, 2020 by: Tyler Goldstein

Late Night Texts from UCBWarnMe Making it Hard for Quarantined Cal Student to Get Over Not Being with Campus Anymore

Like many of the other quarantined Cal students, Christine Waters had spent many nights missing campus. She was handling the break-up pretty well for a …

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