BERKELEY, Calif. — Undefeated top test scorer Magnum Carlsen has accused a bottom student Hands Kneemann of cheating on a midterm using anal beads after being unexpectedly outperformed by Kneemann.

“I don’t understand how he could’ve come out on top. That loss really just sucked the soul out of me,” moaned Magnum. “If I speak, I am in big trouble. But maybe that isn’t such a bad thing because Daddy Dom Blans would punish me.”

For the second midterm two weeks later, Magnum, refusing to submit to another loss, decided to use his position to make a statement against cheating. After the late students parked their electric scooters and the teacher started the larger-than-life-anxiety-inducing timer on the projector, the midterm officially began. 

Yet just as everyone signed the Berkeley Honor Code agreement and copied their friends’ Student ID, Magnum stood up and walked out of the lecture hall. Everyone stared in silence; the room was so quiet that only a faint, intermittent buzzing could be heard.

“He’s been studying this game theory for months,” reasoned a team-Magnum classmate in a later interview. “How could Hands have prepared for these exact questions when he was just traveling all across Europe during hot boy summer?”

Hands Kneeman also weighed in on the cheating accusations.

“First off, I have never cheated. Okay fine, once when I was younger I left my canvas page to look up the answers on an online math quiz, but I was like 19. I would never cheat on a midterm,” Kneeman said as he searched for answers for homework on Chegg. “Magnum is upset I beat him and is just hating on the underdog. The grade speaks for itself. And to all the people asking for me to go over my prep for the exam, that’s none of your business. I’m not even going to address the anal beads rumor. What, people really think I learned the entirety of morse code and had someone buzz the beads for each answer? That would require many hours of practicing in the Morrison bathroom from 4:00-5:30 p.m. PST – don’t be ridiculous.”

The drama around the cheating accusation increased after canvas released a detailed report proving that Kneeman actually cheated on hundreds of previous tests, including some of his past online midterms, which further enraged Kneeman. 

“What he’s done to my reputation is inexcusable. How can I ever cheat on my remaining midterms if all of my classmates support Magnum?” cried Kneeman, keeling over in agony. “My career in cheating has only just begun as an undergrad. Think about my future scamming people with my Berkeley Skydeck app or Tinder 4 Friends investment.” 

In response to the report, Kneeman decided to sue Magnum Carlsen for 100 million dollars, citing defamation. 

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