BERKELEY, Calif. — After a recent court ruling capped UC Berkeley enrollment to 42,347 students, some Cal students are rejoicing that the university will finally have a small college feel.

“Since Berkeley is such a big school, I almost never get into my first choice classes,” lamented junior Kris Jones. “I’ve tried to get Dr. Keltner’s class on Human Happiness for the past eight years — ever since I was in middle school — but I’ve been waitlisted every time. It’s infuriating being told that I’m 47, 152, or 6 spots away from learning how to be happy. What’s the point of paying tuition if you can’t even take the classes you want to? I’ve always thought the university would, like, offer more sections or something, but they haven’t budged. Sure, it sucks that more applicants are gonna get rejected, but their suffering is honestly so much better for my mental health.”

While some students are happy that the student body will become smaller, many prospective students are upset that Berkeley is going to become even more competitive to get into.

“I already had a slim chance at getting into Cal, but now I have basically none,” reported high school senior Charlie Chepe. “I was hoping the 7 APs I’m taking and the four clubs I’m president of would be enough, but now I know I have to use unconventional methods if I really want to get in. I just emailed every admissions officer at Berkeley that my parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents all used to have buildings named after them, before recent building un-namings. I know the university says they don’t admit legacies, but I gotta try. I also started a lie on GoFundMe saying I was sick or something so I can donate it all to the Carol Christ’s Wallet Foundation. If that doesn’t prove my worth as a future pre-Haas student, I don’t know what does.”

At press time a local NIMBY supporting Berkeley resident was enjoying the peace and quiet of only 42,347 people partying.


Photos by Steve McConnell/UC Berkeley NewsCenter

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