BERKELEY, Calif. – A study from the Berkeley Institute of Traffic-Related Deaths has found a significant correlation between uttering the phrase “Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!” and being violently dispatched in a vehicular homicide incident.

“According to our study of 5,000 suburban white males, 84% of utterances of the phrase [‘Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!’] directly preceded violent death,” the Berkeley Institute reported in an official statement. “While we cannot definitively claim that this correlation amounts to causation, there is significant evidence to suggest that saying [‘Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!’] is an extremely dangerous activity – far more dangerous, even, than kissing your child on the mouth, dipping a pizza slice in ranch, clapping when the airplane lands, or living in Bakersfield. We advise the public to stay cautious and refrain from making any unnecessary ‘witty’ comments while driving past road work signs.”

Despite the Berkeley Institute’s warning, many insist on saying “Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!” at every possible opportunity.

“Oh, the kids absolutely love it when I say [‘Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!’]!” claimed 42-year-old David Whetstone while riding shotgun in his wife’s 2008 Toyota Camry. “It’s such a funny double entendre. The sign says ‘Road Work Ahead’ because there’s a crew of five or six construction workers filling a pothole at the upcoming intersection. However, when I say ‘Road Work Ahead,’ I’m treating ‘work’ as a verb, not a noun, so the phrase turns into a quasi-absurdist statement about the road functioning properly. Clever, isn’t it? I can’t believe I’m the only one to think of it!”

Whetstone is not, in fact, the only one to think of it. “Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!” is all Whetstone’s wife, Clara, can think about.

Road work ahead? I sure hope it does! Road work ahead? I sure hope it does! Road work ahead? I sure hope it does!” Clara Whetstone screeched incessantly while swerving in and out of lanes on the freeway. “I swear to God, if [David] makes that joke one more time, I’m killing him. I’m fucking killing him. The Whetstone family is ending right here, right now, on this motherfucking road that works.”

At press time, the Whetstone vehicle was last seen veering dangerously close to a tree after passing a road work sign.  

 

Photo by Wayan Vota

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