BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley economics professor David Card recently won the Nobel Prize in economics for proving that many universally known truths are, in …
OPINION: Bancroft Runs From North to South
Recently I was walking down Sproul recently with a friend and they mentioned that they live on the Southside of campus. I naturally got super excited — I didn’t know anyone who lived near Shattuck!
Then they had the audacity to tell me that what I thought was Southside was actually West. Um, what? I don’t understand how some people got into this school. I also don’t understand how they physically get here. Everyone learns in elementary school that North on the map points up, meaning the highest point of elevation. I mean I walk on Bancroft and can just tell that walking towards I-House is north, and towards the RSF is south. Bancroft is vertical. It goes north to south. It’s just an innate part of my sense of direction.
OPINION: Guy Who Double Parked on Durant Has a Magnum Dong
The only explanation for how this man can be so stupid to double park on a one-way street is that all the blood that’s supposed to go to his brain is instead going to his third leg. Durant is full of drunk idiots and cops, yet this man doesn’t expect to get a ticket; this man doesn’t even expect to have his rearview mirrors obliterated! The aura of confidence from his horse cock is so Earth-shattering it enables him to strut into Sweetheart leaving his car’s hazard lights on in the middle of the street.
Rejoice! College of Engineering to Give Out Deodorant Instead of T-Shirts Next Fall
We tried interviewing an engineering student about this topic, but unfortunately our reporter collapsed from the smell after approaching one. Fortunately, after regaining consciousness, they were able to interview an EECS student over zoom.
After COVID Vaccine, Cal Wide Receiver Can’t Catch Anything
After Cal’s devastating loss to the Nevada Wolf Pack, it has become apparent that the COVID-19 vaccine has prevented wide receiver Wayne Johnson from catching anything.
“I knew that getting vaccinated would prevent me from catching COVID, but I didn’t know the effects of the vaccine would be so weird,” reported Wayne as he dropped a frisbee. “After I got vaccinated my work schedule started having back to back shifts. I can’t catch a break. I’ve also been blanking on what people say after ‘Go’ at Berkeley. I think it starts with a B but my catchphrase knowledge is out the window.”
The 5 Best Places to Spend Flex Dollars
If you’re a freshman on campus, the meal plan that you were forced to buy likely includes flex dollars. You are probably wondering where on Earth you can spend this precious fake currency. Luckily, The Free Peach has compiled a list of the many convenient, delicious spots that will accept your flex dollars. Bon appétit.
Memorial Stadium to Easily Return to Full Capacity Due to Chronic Low Attendance
BERKELEY, Calif. — Even though UC Berkeley has announced that the upcoming fall semester will take place in person, many football fans have been concerned …
5 Originals That Are Better Than Their Knockoffs (You Won’t Believe Number #3)
Everyone loves a good original idea. Except, when someone takes your original idea and copies it. Then everyone loves an unoriginal idea. Capitalism, am I right? But some copies are overhyped. Here are five examples of originals that are better than their overrated knockoffs.
Student Claiming Evans Hall Is Beautiful Diagnosed With Covid Due to Lack of Taste
Sophomore Mark Wright was immediately quarantined this morning following reports that he praised Evans Hall’s appearance.
10 Things To Do Now That You’ve Completed Your Lifelong Goal of Donating to the Big Give
Congratulations! After wanting to donate to the Big Give for months — no, years — you finally did. If you feel lost and confused, don’t …