You were enjoying just another day being a senior, taking in the beauty of Berkeley’s campus during your last fall semester, when you decided to check CalCentral to view your enrollment time. You expected to see a time earlier than you had ever seen before, and got excited finally seeing that early October date. Hell yeah: you’re a senior. But you accidentally looked to the left of the page and saw three dreadful words: View Graduation Checklist. Their bright blue font was mind-numbing; shock and fear shot through your body. Are you actually graduating? Will you be able to function in a 9-5 work environment? Didn’t you start college like two weeks ago? What the fuck is going on? In honor of keeping up with the spooky senior spirit, here are 5 things scarier than seeing “View Graduation Checklist” on your CalCentral.
1. Your CS friend recruiting even though they already have a return offer.
Yeah, I’m talking about you, Katy. While I’m out here struggling to pass my biology classes, barely able to squeeze in time to see my friends, you’re full-on interviewing at onsites for 5 hours a day in addition to taking 17 units. The feeling of not doing enough is absolutely mortifying.
2. The senior portrait stock photo images.
At first glance, the pictures seem innocent. But stare at them any longer and a growing sense of unease will find you. You notice something hinting in their eyes that they know something they shouldn’t. You can see how uncomfortable they are with their stiff smiles. Is it too late for us to get out while we can?
3. The notion that you may speak to the person you cheat on tests with for the last time.
Every semester you make “friends” in your classes which you do homework with cheat on online midterms with. You never intend to not stay in touch with these people, but it gets harder after your class ends. You do genuinely like them, and always hope to bump into them at some point. But you are always too busy to reach out. And now your window of reconnecting with your partner in crime is dwindling.
4. The Existential Dread of Not Knowing What the Future Holds.
Are you going to move to New York? All your friends talk about moving to New York. But it gets cold over there. And there are cockroaches. Is Dark Brandon genuinely going to run for re-election? Will you become a robotic kitten? So much is unknown.
5. Not being able to write for The Free Peach anymore.
You are funny. You know this because you write for The Free Peach. You get virtual validation weekly when people like your articles. The Peach started as a fun club for you, it was a break from a stressful week full of a school where people take themselves too seriously, but it has accidentally become your entire personality. When you go to parties, people say “Hi, have you met Tyler, he writes for The Free Peach.” What will they say now? Just, “Hi, have you met Tyler?” How will you be able to live without being able to contribute to a satirical meme page and website that nobody reads?