BERKELEY, Calif. – At an ASUC Superb event this weekend, undergraduate business student Michael Kochnoffer took home the grand prize in a Halloween costume contest …
Cult Member Not Pulling Their Weight in Group Sacrifice Project
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite being a long-standing follower of the controversial Happy Fun Time Feelings Always organization (HFTFA), cult member Daniel Coventry has been totally …
Haunted House? Moaning Heard From Your Mom’s Room Whenever I Come Over
“Yeah kid, I don’t know what to tell you. We tried communicating with the spirit by yelling out, ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ and it said, ‘I want it right there.’”
BREAKING: 5.1 Magnitude Earthquake Actually due to Roommate Masturbating in the Top Bunk
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal Freshman Lucca Wallace was rudely awakened in a Unit 3 dorm by her bottom bunk rhythmically shaking this past Tuesday. Sources …
The Polar Bears Are Dying but Here’s a Whole Article About the Time I Watched ‘Freaky Friday’ on Cable
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a summer of record-breaking heat waves, intense hurricanes, and massive floods around the world, climate scientists are unanimous in agreement that …
OPINION: Boy Riding Bike With No Hands is Very Cool
His technique was clinical. The boy and the bike flew together in harmony. The velocipede had become univocal in the man’s being. He’s probably a Rhetoric major.
This Article Was Written Entirely by AI
BERKELEY, Calif. – After years of begging for disability accommodations, campus super senior Ash Jensen was miraculously cured of their chronic illness when their philosophy professor proclaimed that they were a failed econ quiz.
‘3,’ Reports Random Number Generator
“3,” Best Random Number Generator declared in an official statement last Friday. The report marks a notable shift from Best Random Number Generator’s previous statements: “12,” “46,” and “7.”
Uh Oh: Brown Boys Everywhere Have a New Person That Their Parents Will Compare Them To
“I keep trying to tell my mom that Rishi Sunak is just another corporate-backed austerity fiend who will defund public programs and oppose organized labor, but all she sees is a ‘good Indian boy’ who is Prime Minister while I am not,” said EECS student Daniel Anthony.
Advisor Places Hold On My Hand
BERKELEY, Calif. – Members of the Applied Satire department were mortified early Wednesday morning to discover the floating Orb of Doom (no, not the Evans one) in the upper right-hand corner of CalCentral: a Hold on their account.