Fall is in the air. You can feel it. Leaves change from a summer-y, Michael’s sage-scented candle green to a dark, Homegoods Halloween candle orange. The air turns just brisk enough to bring out your regular black stockings instead of your fishnet ones, and the trees along Sproul Plaza start looking like the Whomping Willow from the Harry Potter smut you love to read.
Inspiring! Berkeley Alumni Make Next Big Social Media App That Will Inevitably Somehow Cause the Rise of Fascism
“We were both EECS majors so we never left our dorms but then also wallowed in self pity because we were lonely. And that’s where GenSite began, to connect people in the modern age. Of course, it was originally more for incels like us to complain about how women wouldn’t fuck us but we’ll pretend we have any semblance of morality when we become so big that we have to pretend we regulate content.”
5 Things Scarier Than Seeing ‘View Graduation Checklist’ on CalCentral
Are you actually graduating? Will you be able to function in a 9-5 work environment? Didn’t you start college like two weeks ago? What the fuck is going on? In honor of keeping up with the spooky senior spirit, here are 5 things scarier than seeing “View Graduation Checklist” on your CalCentral.
How to Tell Your Grandma That She Fell Off
You love your grandma. Of course you do. When you were growing up, she made you delicious cookies and hot tomato soup and was an absolute gem of a human being to be around. So why has talking with her felt more… cringe than usual lately?
‘Over-Caffeinated’ Student Hasn’t Had Any Coffee Today; Just Anxious
Third year Rylie Brantford was spotted by friends while frantically rushing to class. She apologized for her frazzled state as she ran past, explaining she was just “over-caffeinated.” In an exclusive interview, Rylie revealed she hasn’t had an ounce of caffeine today.
‘Astrology is Bullshit,’ Muses Student Who Believes in Purely Theoretical Economic Models
“The whole idea of astrology is stupid,” Madoff mused. “It tries to predict the actions and preferences of infinitely complex people using information that has little to no evidence of accurately reflecting the world we live in! Thanks, but no thanks – I’ll stick to the real science: classical economics.”
Can Anyone Remember: Did We Do Something About ‘Kony 2012’???
How come he gets to have a number with his name? Who are the 2,011 other Konys?
Report: Everyone Here Knows You’ve Never Worn That Hat Before
“It’s sad, really,” shared that girl from your discussion section who always wears really cool outfits. “They’re just trying so hard. I happen to wear really awesome clothes and look incredible all the time, but I do it with zero effort. Everyone knows that if you look like you’re trying to be cool, the coolness is completely undermined. And honestly, I can’t believe they even remotely thought we wouldn’t notice how much effort they’re putting in by wearing that hat. I just feel bad.”
Timed Exam: Finish Your Latte Before the Straw Disintegrates
BERKELEY, Calif.– As surely as summer follows spring, the never-ending midterm season follows summer and has again descended upon UC Berkeley – except this time you have a surprise exam at Strada.
Man Compensates for Small Dick by Being a Huge One
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following complaints that he is ‘unsatisfactory’ in bed, local MET student Will Weenis has decided to forgo claiming to have a huge …