BERKELEY, Calif.– As surely as summer follows spring, the never-ending midterm season follows summer and has again descended upon UC Berkeley – except this time you have a surprise exam at Strada. 

Oeuvre Price, Vice Provost of Caffeine Consumption, relished in revealing the most innovative acuity assessment ever poorly-conceived: the paper straw. 

“It’s next level, guys,” Price assured the dead-eyed 7:40 AM line he was holding up. “It’s going to change the way you consume caffeine. Who among us hasn’t wanted their iced coffee to turn into papier-mache mush from the dissolving toilet paper roll they’re drinking through? 

“And you know how drinking a lot of coffee all at once makes you super anxious and upsets your stomach? Well we designed the paper straw with that specifically in mind–you have to finish it in 3 sips or you’re essentially drinking bog water. Consequently, only the most determined students will have the necessary caffeination to make it through midterm season. It’s natural selection!”

When asked to elaborate, Price’s office responded that “they were on a new medication” and “it’s hard to remember if the blue ones are uppers and the red ones are downers so they took some purple ones and called it even.”

Caffe Strada, however, refuted Price’s account:

“We at Caffe Strada would never discriminate against a portion of our customer base by intentionally using flawed straws. I mean there are so many better ways to discriminate. Do you want a list?”

We have decided not to publish Strada’s list.

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