BERKELEY, Calif. – Following complaints that he is ‘unsatisfactory’ in bed, local MET student Will Weenis has decided to forgo claiming to have a huge dick in favor of being a huge dick.
“They say ‘nice guys finish last,’ but for some reason I always finish early,” Weenis explained while lifting a 3-lb weight and pretending to read Fight Club. “I guess you could say my sex life hasn’t been too great, but you know what? I don’t give a fuck! ‘Big Dick Energy’ isn’t about what you’re packing; it’s about what’s packed in you. And let me tell you, on the inside, I’m packed with 100% DICK.”
Those close to Weenis have noticed that he has been acting like a massive dick lately.
“First, this motherfucker doesn’t wash his dishes, then he refuses to do his laundry, and now he’s demanding that I pay my goldfish’s ‘third of the rent????’” Weenis’s roommate, Geoffrey of Bakersfield, reported. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He used to be super chill and goated with the sauce, but ever since he broke up with his girlfriend, he’s been an absolute menace. I’m seriously considering moving out, or at least putting my goldfish up for adoption.”
Other associates of Weenis recall similarly horrific experiences.
“He asked me if I have ‘ligma,’ and when I asked him what ‘ligma’ is, he yelled ‘LIGMA BALLS!!!!’ and dabbed on me,” recounted Weenis’s visibly traumatized CS 61C classmate Strobold Crutherford. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt more humiliated in my life.”
Shockingly, Weenis has shown no remorse for his actions.
“Do you like ligma? I came up with that one myself,”* Weenis boasted. “I’ve realized that people give me more time and attention when I’m being a total jerk, so wherever I go, I make sure I’m the biggest dick in the room. It’s done absolute wonders for my ego, and I never get insecure about my four-and-a-half inch penis anymore!!! Oh, sorry, my three-and-a-half inch penis.”
Weenis’s graduation from 3 ½” dick owner to 5’7” dick has not been without consequences.
“Hold up, I was never [Weenis’s] ‘girlfriend’ or whatever he’s telling you,” said Mechanical Engineering major Veronica Nikkels. “We hooked up once and I instantly knew afterwards: never again. That being said, I never had any ill-will towards him until he started flooding my DMs with apologies, then dick pics, then insults when I ignored him. I’ve blocked him on text and on all of my socials, but I swear, this guy doesn’t let up! Last night, he sent me a note by carrier pigeon that said, ‘I swear my dick is bigger now, pls txt back.’ I’ve reported him to UCPD and if I ever encounter him in person I’m pepper-spraying him on sight.”
At press time, Weenis was seen breaking down in tears after a stranger in a Dwinelle restroom told him, “nice cock, bro.”