BERKELEY, Calif. – Multiple sources shared today that everyone who has seen you is completely aware of the fact that this is your first time wearing that hat and it’s actually super embarrassing.

“It’s sad, really,” shared that girl from your discussion section who always wears really cool outfits. “They’re just trying so hard. I happen to wear really awesome clothes and look incredible all the time, but I do it with zero effort. Everyone knows that if you look like you’re trying to be cool, the coolness is completely undermined. And honestly, I can’t believe they even remotely thought we wouldn’t notice how much effort they’re putting in by wearing that hat. I just feel bad.”

That guy who you don’t actually know at all but whose class is around the same time as yours so you always randomly cross paths on campus also noticed.

“It’s true, I have no idea who they are,” he affirmed. “I don’t know their name, year, major, or anything. They’re just an oddly familiar face because we’re usually both walking past Dwinelle for the same few seconds every day. I am sure that they have always thought I don’t recognize them in the way they recognize me, but I’m here to confirm: I do. And beyond that, I actually keep a very exhaustive track of what they wear on a daily basis.” 

He pulled out a large, visibly heavy 3-ring binder and gazed at it reverently. 

“Every outfit repeat, every missed button, every T-shirt stain – I notice and document it,” he said, flipping through the pages. “Consequently, I have been able to discern every single article of clothing they own. I know their wardrobe intimately, perhaps even better than mine. And keeping such close track of their outfits like this, which is a very normal and common thing to do, allows me to tell immediately when a new item joins the roster.” He paused on a sheet labeled, “Accessories,” and closely studied the page. “Ha!” He looked up excitedly. “Just as I thought: they don’t own any hats like the one they wore today.” He glanced down at the document once more and smiled. “Yes. The hat today was new. Brand new. Very adventurous of them, especially because people were obviously going to notice. I’m honestly curious to know why they chose this day of all days to wear the new hat.” He began to laugh. “I mean, they just look crazy.”

At press time, it was reported that every person you know has not only noticed your new hat but is actually talking about it in a giant group chat that you are not in.

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