BERKELEY, Calif. – In this revolutionary opinion piece, I am officially calling for the university to increase Berkeley time from ten to fifteen minutes. The …
Opinion: Where The Fuck is Barker?
The semester started like every other: I swear that I’ll go to lecture. I miss my bus that was seven minutes late. I curse fate for inhibiting learning that I truly value and show up for. I pull up CalCentral 10 minutes before class to make sure all my classes are in Dwinelle like usual. That is, until I see it: Rhetoric-103B, Barker 101.
Report: Everyone Here Knows You’ve Never Worn That Hat Before
“It’s sad, really,” shared that girl from your discussion section who always wears really cool outfits. “They’re just trying so hard. I happen to wear really awesome clothes and look incredible all the time, but I do it with zero effort. Everyone knows that if you look like you’re trying to be cool, the coolness is completely undermined. And honestly, I can’t believe they even remotely thought we wouldn’t notice how much effort they’re putting in by wearing that hat. I just feel bad.”
OPINION: Student-Athlete? I Just Walked From Dwinelle to Wheeler
This is all to say that I think that I should get all of the clout and attention of the student athletes. We share so many attributes like not being paid for our daily hardships (mine being my ten minute walk between classes, theirs being a silly little three hour morning practice before a full day of classes). If my request is denied, I will take matters into my own hands (which, by the way, I did not use at all while walking up the stairs) and borrow my sister’s volleyball knee pads so it looks like I’m injured. I will then proceed to wear said knee brace over my jeans so that I can reasonably justify calling myself an Uber in between classes without feeling like I’m out of shape.
7 Hidden Gems in Dwinelle Hall
Finding a class in Dwinelle Hall is a UC Berkeley rite of passage. According to legend, sibling rivalry caused two architect brothers to split the design of the building and cobble it together later, resulting in the trauma of tens of thousands of freshmen and upperclassmen alike. The following are some hidden gems that may brighten your spirits the next time you’re hopelessly lost in the building!
Man Easily Navigates Dwinelle, Still Unable to Locate Woman’s Clitoris
BERKELEY, Calif. – As Berkeley students once again struggle with the endless labyrinth that is Dwinelle Hall, one man has emerged champion, remarkably finding his classroom within mere minutes; the location of his girlfriend’s clitoris, however, still remains a mystery.
“It was no big deal,” shrugged a bashful Justin Lawry to a roaring sea of fans. “I sorta stepped through those doors and, I don’t know, I just had a gut feeling. Something deep within my primal instincts almost seemed to sing to me; next thing I know I’m taking a right, another right, a left, another right, another left, walking up two flights of stairs, crawling through the tunnel that connects the north and south wings, taking a left, climbing up a ladder, taking the slide down the other end, and taking another right. Boom. I was there.
This Quiz Will Tell You Which Berkeley Campus Building You’re Most Like, But Be Careful, Because If You Get Dwinelle, The DPRK Will Automatically Launch A Hwasong-15 Intermediate-Range Ballistic Missile Towards The Sea Of Japan
A decisive move that has the potential to irreparably alter relations Korean Peninsula for the foreseeable future.