BERKELEY, Calif. – A fourteen-year-long search for the missing Where’s Waldo? star ended Friday morning when investigators declared Waldo ‘dead in absentia.’
“It is with heavy hearts that we accept the unfortunate reality that we may never see our beloved Waldo ever again,” wrote UCPD Chief Margo Bennett in an official statement. “Let it be known that we truly searched everywhere for him – the middle of the page, the top, the bottom, the corners, even the binding. While we were able to find several of Waldo’s items – including a key, a mallet, a snorkel, binoculars, a camera, a kettle, a cup and a walking stick – we came tragically short of finding the man himself. Our efforts to distribute his image en masse to local libraries and elementary schools similarly failed to produce any fruitful leads. Ultimately, we have no choice but to assume the worst, and conclude that Waldo is dead. We offer our condolences to his friends and family.”
Waldo is survived by his girlfriend, Wenda, and his dog, Woof. Authorities have detained Waldo’s long-time nemesis, Odlaw, on suspicion of murder.
“This is ridiculous! I could never find that candy-striped ratfucker, let alone kill him!” screeched Odlaw as he was shoved headfirst into a police car. “Jesus Christ! People always assume I’m the one who’s up to no good, but I swear, it was Waldo who was neck-deep in shady shit. I mean, why do you think he was always on the run, going from zoos to beaches to ski slopes to mythical dimensions? The last time he ever called me, he told me he’d really gone and done it this time – he’d messed with the big sharks. He said he was afraid for his life. He wouldn’t tell me who was threatening him, only that they were really powerful and had eyes everywhere. He told me” – Odlaw teared up – “he told me that despite our differences, he’d always loved me like a brother. He made me promise to take care of Wenda and Woof, and then he hung up, just like that.” Odlaw broke down. “Like, honestly, fuck that guy!” he sobbed.
At press time, Wenda revealed to reporters that she had inherited a $200,000 debt to a mysterious crime syndicate known only as the ‘UC Berkeley Financial Aid Office.’