BERKELEY, Calif. – Protestors and pedestrians watched in disbelief Friday morning as 400 law enforcement officers began their daily barricade enforcement of People’s Park with …
UC Berkeley Admin: People’s Park Stands in Way of ‘People’s Park Memorial Hall’
BERKELEY, Calif. — In the middle of the night on Jan. 3rd, campus officials deployed 1400 riot police to initiate long-anticipated plans to construct a …
UCPD Announces 40,000 Suspects in GBC Banana Heist
BERKELEY, Calif.– A campus-wide email sent on Monday evening shocked students, as they learned that amongst them walked a hardened criminal: the mastermind architect behind …
Crime Does Not Pay; I Only Make 100k a Year as a UCPD Officer
Take it from me kids, crime does not pay. No matter how many cars I ticket or unhoused people I harass, I’m stuck in this …
Campus Curbs Spread of Misinformation by Simply Not Providing Any Information
BERKELEY, Calif. — In an attempt to limit the spread of potential misinformation regarding yesterday’s campus-wide threat, UC Berkeley administrators announced that, going forward, they …
UC Berkeley WarnMe: AVOID THE AREA OF Doe Library (I’m There and Look Really Good, so I Don’t Want You to Feel Bad)
Please note this message will definitely contain information that you will find upsetting. On 04-04-2022 08:30:00, I looked hot outside Doe Library. At approximately 09:25:00, …
Waldo, of “Where’s” Fame, Not Found Anywhere, Presumed Dead
BERKELEY, Calif. – A fourteen-year-long search for the missing Where’s Waldo? star ended Friday morning when investigators declared Waldo ‘dead in absentia.’ “It is with …
To Reduce Long Coffee Lines, GBC to Offer “Grab-and-Go” Cocaine
BERKELEY, Calif — As the only on-campus café where students can spend their flex dollars on caffeine, the Golden Bear Café experiences all-time high traffic …
Crime Reported: 31,000 Students Robbed of In Person Semester
UC Berkeley Police Department Please note this message definitely contains information. I mean like, we’re using italics. You know shit’s serious when an email starts …