BERKELEY, Calif — As the only on-campus café where students can spend their flex dollars on caffeine, the Golden Bear Café experiences all-time high traffic during midterm season. In efforts to reduce the high level of traffic facing the staff at Golden Bear Café, UC Berkeley reveals its plan to offer a quicker alternative to coffee: grab-and-go cocaine.

“Berkeley has a long history of radical ideas and challenging the status quo,” explained Vice Chancellor Marc Fisher in a press release following the decision. “We assure members of the Berkeley community that we have performed multiple risk analyses before making this decision, and we have come to the conclusion that selling cocaine will be beneficial to students, staff, and our Fall 2021 earnings statement.”

Many critics of this decision have expressed concern over the highly addictive nature of cocaine and the substance abuse risk it poses to students’ mental and physical health. But Fisher insists…

“The number one mental health complaint among the student body is feeling tired or depressed due to academic overexertion. Well, we can’t do anything about the way our university prioritizes grit over mental health,” he sighed sympathetically, “But we can sell students stimulants to help them deal with it.”

When questioned about the legality of selling a Schedule II controlled substance, a representative from the Berkeley Police Department responded: “It’s perfectly legal. In selling it, the university is controlling the substance.”

Cocaine will appear on GBC shelves by early November; a seasonal pumpkin-spice scent will be offered until December.

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