BERKELEY, CA— In a shocking feat, local 5’10″ Berkeley man successfully convinced peers he is actually 6′ tall. 

“All women care about is height,” Phi Psi Junior Andrew Short claimed. “I was at this party, and this girl came up to me and we started talking. As soon as I mentioned my height during my rant about how all women are shallow, she lost interest. I’m telling you, being 5 ’10” is a curse!”

Not everyone, however, agrees on the importance of height in modern society. 

“I don’t know why guys think height is such a big deal,” sophomore Ashley Truman said. “Estelle said it herself: she found a 5′ 7” guy who’s just her type. It’s possible, short kings! Keep your heads up and your backs straight!”

Unfortunately, as more men begin to make claims of higher heights, those who remain truthful claim to be left behind. 

“As a legitimate 5’11” man, I’m at a crossroads: if I say I’m 5’11”, everyone will think I’m somewhere around 5’7”, because any self-respecting 5’11” man would just claim to be 6’. I want to tell the truth, but it would be so easy to cheat my way into the heavenly realm of the 6’. The situation is kind of ironic…yes it is! That’s how you use that term! Look it up!” explained Anthony Little, slightly misunderstanding irony.

However students look at it, there’s no question of the role height plays in society. Experts confirm, however, that height isn’t the only thing that matters.

“In reality I’m 6’2″, stand on my money now I’m 5’9″,” said Freshman Bobert Wilhelm. “I’m deeply in debt.”

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